1 - Gator Watermelon Sales

Two University of Florida graduates, unable to get a job, get together to see if they can make anything work. All they have between them is a pickup truck.

They decide to sell watermelons in Gainesville off the back of their truck.

So the drive to south Florida and buy watermelons at $2 apiece. Then they drive back to Gainesville and decide that the watermelons will sell faster if they are sold in volume, so they set the price at three for $5.

Well, they are right. They sell lots and lots of watermelons and make repeated trips to south Florida, but they're not making any money.

So they think and think of what to to. Finally they get the idea . . .

They buy a bigger truck!

2 - Six Hours!!!

The University of Florida Alumni Club of Tampa is gathering in a meeting room of the local Motel 6.

Suddenly they run out into the bar area yelling and screaming with joy. "Six Hours!! Six Hours!!! Drinks for everyone!"

The bartender is happy for the Gators though he doesn't quite understand what is happening. But he sets out the drinks.

The Gators remain wildly exuberant and call for another round for everyone while hollering "Six Hours!!"

As the bartender is setting out the second round he manages to get the attention of one of the happy, celebrating Gators. "What is Six Hours?"

The Gator replies, "For an alumni activity we were working on a puzzle that had on the side of the box 2-4 years and we got it done in just six Hours."

3 - Gator Handymen

Two Gators living together decided to save some money and decided to re-side their house themselves.

So they went out and bought all the equipment and started.

The one Gator handed the other the plank which he then attached with some nails.

However while watching the one Gator nailing the boards in, the other noticed that whenever he pulled a nail out of the bag he would look at it and would sometimes throw it over his shoulder onto the ground.

So he asked his friend what he was doing, and his friend said "If I pull a nail out of the bag and it's facing me I throw it away because it's defective."

"You idiot!! It's not defective." said the other Gator, "It's for the other side of the house."

4 - Getting Into Heaven

A UF grad dies on a football weekend and goes to Heaven still wearing his Gator colors. He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks St. Peter wearing a garnet and gold Florida State University sweatshirt.

"Hello," says St. Peter, "I'm sorry, no Gator types in heaven."

"What?" exclaims the man, astonished.

"You heard; no UF grads."

"But, but, but, I've been a good man," replies the Gator.

"Oh really," says St. Peter. "That doesn't necessarily qualify you, but I'm interested. What have you done, then?"

"Well," said the guy, "Three weeks before I died, I gave 100 dollars to the starving children in Africa."

"Oh," says St. Peter, "Anything else?"

"Well, two weeks before I died I also gave 100 dollars to the homeless."

"Hmmm. Anything else?"

"Yeah. A week before I died I gave 100 dollars to the Sisters of Mercy Gainesville Mission for Homeless Orphans."

"Okay", said St. Peter, "You wait here a minute while I have a word with the Boss."

Ten minutes pass before St. Peter returns.

He looks the Gator in the eye and says, "I've had a word with God and He agrees with me. Here's your three hundred dollars back; now go away."

5 - Busted

The UF grad came running into the store and said to his Gator buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"

Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?"

The UF grad answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."

6 - Roadside Service

A Gator had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.

A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the Gator what the problem was.

The Gator replied, "I have a flat tire."

The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"

The Gator responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither."

7 - Traffic Stop

A Florida State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-75 driven by a University of Florida graduate.

The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"

The Gator replied, "Bout whut?"

8 - Dumping Garbage

The Sheriff pulled up next to the Gator unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch.

The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head?"

"Yep", the Gator replied. "That's why I dumpin’ it here, cause it says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage'."

9 - Aging University of Florida Grad

A 70-year-old University of Florida Alum goes to the doctor's for a physical.

The doctor runs some tests and says to the Gator, "Well, everything seems to be in top condition physically, but what about spiritually? How is your connection with God?"

And the alum says, "Oh me and God? We're tight. We have a real bond, he's good to me. Every night when I have to get up to go to the bathroom, he turns on the light for me, and then, when I leave, he turns it back off."

Well, upon hearing this the doctor was astonished.

He called the Gator's wife and said, "I'd like to speak to you about your husband’s connection with God. He claims that every night when he needs to use the bathroom, God turns on the light for him and turns it off for him again when he leaves. Is this true?"

And she says, "That idiot, he's been peeing in the refrigerator again!"

10 - A University of Florida Gator at the Barber Shop

A University of Florida Gator enters the local Gainesville barber shop for a haircut and a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, the Gator mentions that he always has problems getting a close shave around the cheeks, that it looks sloppy and distracts from his appearance.

"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this wooden ball in your mouth and put it between your cheek and gum. Here, let me show you how well it works."

The University of Florida Gator places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds to give him the closest shave the Gator has ever experienced.

After a few more strokes the University of Florida Gator starts thinking about the ball in his mouth. So he asks in garbled speech. "And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber, "Just bring it back tomorrow like every other Gator does."

11 - Einstein in Heaven

Einstein dies and goes to heaven only to be informed that his room is not yet ready. "I hope you will not mind waiting in a dormitory. We are very sorry, but it's the best we can do and you will have to share the room with others," he is told by St. Peter.

Einstein says that this is no problem at all and that there is no need to make such a great fuss. So St. Peter leads him to the dorm. They enter and Albert is introduced to all of the present inhabitants.

"See, here is your first room mate. He has an IQ of 180!"

"That's wonderful!" says Albert. "We can discuss my theory of relativity!"

"And here is your second room mate. His IQ is 160!"

"That's wonderful!" says Albert. "We can discuss astrophysics!"

"And here is your third room mate. His IQ is 140!"

"That's wonderful! We can discuss quantum mechanics!"

Just then another man moves out to capture Albert's hand and shake it. He speaks slowly. "I'm your last room mate and I'm sorry, but they tell me my IQ is only 80."

Albert smiles back at him and says, "So, how do you think your University of Florida football team will be doing this year?"

12 - Guardian Angel

A University of Florida graduate is out looking for a job. He is walking on the road and a voice shouts out, "Don't take a step further." He obeys and suddenly a ton of bricks fall on the place where he would have otherwise been.

He thinks he imagined it and keeps walking until suddenly the voice calls out again. "Don't take a step further." He stops and a car skids past, just missing him.

Then suddenly he hears the voice saying "I am your guardian angel, and I will warn you before something bad happens to you. Now do you have any questions to ask me?"

"Yes!" shouts the Gator. "Where were you the day when my parents signed me up for the University of Florida?"

13 - At the Doctor

Gator Grad Bubba went to his doctor yesterday. After a long wait in the outer office, his name was finally called. When he got into the examining room, the nurse pointed to the scale and said, "I need to get your weight today."

Bubba immediately replied, "One hour and 5 minutes."

14 - Fly Problem

A doctor received an emergency call from a Gator Grad Sally Sue.

She had a fly in her ear. The doctor suggested an old home remedy. "Pour warm olive oil into your ear and lie down for a few minutes," he said. "When you lift your head the fly should emerge with the liquid."

Sally Sue said she thought that sounded like a good idea, but she had a question. "What ear do I pour the oil into?"

15 - Toothpaste

The Gainesville newspaper runs a popular column called "10 Questions" that spotlights people who live in the community that most people call Hog Town.

In addition to the usual inquiries about occupation and age, people are asked questions that give a snapshot of their personalities.

Recently one Gator Grad was asked, "What's the strangest thing you ever bought?"

She answered, "Dog toothpaste."

Next question: "What is the most common thing people say to you?"

Her answer: "Where did you get such white teeth?"

16 - Happy to Have Me Home

"You know," a UF grad told his fellow Gators, "I'm a lucky man. I never realized how much my wife loved me until the other day when I had to stay home sick from work."

"What did she do?" someone asked.

"She was so happy to have me home," he said, "that every time someone came to the door, like the mailman or milkman, she'd shout, 'My husband’s home! My husband's home!'"

17 - I’ve Lost My Dad

A small boy was crying his eyes out at a UF Homecoming football game.

Seeing his plight, a policeman came up to him and asked what was the problem.

"I've lost my dad," cried the boy.

"What's he like?" asked the policeman.

"Beer, gambling and women," said the boy.

18 - Frozen

Did you hear about the Gator family visiting friends in Wisconsin that froze to death outside a theater?
They were waiting to see the movie "Closed for the Winter."

19 - Coming Back from Fishing

A UF Gator was walking down the street, carrying a brown paper bag. He ran into one of his friends, who asked, "Hey! What do you have in the bag?"

The Gator tells his friend that he has some fish in the bag.

His friend says, "Well, I'll make you a bet. If I can guess how many fish you have in the bag, you'll have to give me one."

The Gator says, "I'll tell you what. If you tell me how many fish I have in this bag, I'll give you both of them."

20 - Lost

Two Gators from UF were out hunting. They decided to separate to get a better chance of catching something.

The first Gator says to the other, "If you get lost, fire three shots into the air every hour. That way I can pinpoint you and find you."

After about three hours, the second Gator finds he is really lost. He decides to fire three shots into the air as the first Gator told him. He then waits an hour and does it again. He repeats this until he is out of ammo.

The next morning, the first Gator finds the second with the help of forest rangers. He asks the second Gator if he did what he told him to do.

The Gator answers, "Yes, I fired three shots into the air every hour on the hour until I ran out of arrows."

21 - Gator's Science Project

Bubba is in his first year at the University of Florida. He is taking a Freshman Biology course.

His professor reminds the class that they have all had Life Science in middle school and Biology high school, so everyone should be able to do a science project by now. "So for your first assignment, go out and create a small science project, do it, and write up the results."

Bubba goes back to his dormitory and sits on the steps trying to think of a project.

While he is sitting there a grasshopper lands on his shoe.

Bubba grabs the grasshopper and finds a cardboard box with high sides. He puts the grasshopper on the floor of the box and yells, "Jump, Grasshopper, Jump!"

The grasshopper jumps.

Bubba grabs the grasshopper, pulls off one leg, puts the grasshopper back in the bottom of the box, and yells, "Jump, Grasshopper, Jump!"

The grasshopper jumps.

Bubba grabs the grasshopper, pulls off another leg, puts the grasshopper back in the box, and yells, "Jump, Grasshopper, Jump!"

The grasshopper jumps.

Bubba repeats this until the grasshopper is down to one leg. "Jump, Grasshopper, Jump!"

Well, it's not much of a jump but the grasshopper jumps.

So Bubba grabs the grasshopper, pulls off its last leg, puts the grasshopper back in the box, and yells, "Jump, Grasshopper, Jump!"

Nothing.

"JUMP, GRASSHOPPER, JUMP!!!!"

Still nothing.

The next class session Bubba turns in the report of his science experiment. His conclusion:

"When a grasshopper loses all its legs it becomes deaf."

22 - Missing Gator Homework

A University of Florida freshman football player had not done his homework so he ran to his coach just before class for advice.

“Make up a story and play on the professor’s sympathy,” said the football coach.

So as he came into class the Gator football player faked it like he was crying as he sat down at his desk. It worked. He looked so downcast that his professor decided to investigate.

"What's the problem, Bubba? I hope it's not homework again."

"Well... yes, it is." replied Bubba, reluctantly. "I was stupid and made my homework paper into a paper airplane."

"Bubba, you're right, that wasn't a very bright thing to do," said the professor, "but this once I'll let you just unfold the paper and hand it in."

That wasn’t the answer Bubba expected so he had to come up with something quick.

"Oh, but that won't work," said Bubba, trying to look even sadder. "You see, the plane was hijacked."

23 - Pain All Over

A Gator went to his doctor complaining of pain.

"Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor.

"You have to help me, I hurt all over," said the Gator.

"What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor. "Try to be a little more specific."

The Gator touched his right knee with his index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts."

Then he touched his left cheek, and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too."

Then he touched his right earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts," he cried.

The doctor looked at him thoughtfully for a moment, then asked, "Are you truly a UF graduate?"

"Why, yes," he said.

"I thought so," said the doctor. "You have a broken finger."

24 - Questions We All Ask

Q. - Why is the Florida mascot a Gator?
A. - It was the only thing ugly enough.

Q. - How can you become a small-business owner in Florida?
A. - Get a large business and let a Florida grad run it for you.

Q. - What do you call a UF Gator with half of a brain?
A. - Gifted!

Q. - What does a University of Florida grad call an FSU grad?
A. - Boss!

Q. - Why are there no blondes on the Gators cheerleading squad?
A. - Even blondes have their limits.

Q. - How do you find out which female students at Florida are married?
A. - There is tobacco spit on both doors of their truck.

Q. - What do all University of Florida students hope to be by graduation?
A. - No older than 40.

Q. - What do the Florida State students and the University of Florida students have in common?
A. - They ALL got accepted to attend the University of Florida.

Q. - Why does the Gator quarterbacks have so much trouble reading a play clock?
A. - They are still trying to learn how to count forward.

Q. - How do you stop UF Gators on horseback?
A. - Turn off the carousel.

Q. - What's the difference between a 300 pound heifer and a UF cheerleader?
A. - About 30 pounds, but if you grain feed the heifer, she'll catch up.

Q. – How do you get a UF cheerleader into your dorm room?
A. – Grease her hips and push.

Q. - How do you get a UF grad off your front porch?
A. - Pay him for the pizza!

Q. - How do you keep a Gator out of your front yard?
A. - Put a goal post up!

Q. - What’s the best thing to come out of Gainesville?
A. - I-75.

Q. - Why did the Gator grad get fired from the M&M factory?
A. - He was throwing away too many W’s.

Q. - What should you do if you find three Gators buried up to their necks in wet concrete?
A. - Get more concrete!

Q. - What is the difference between a UF grad and a pig?
A. - The pig doesn't turn into a Gator when it's drunk.

Q. - What do Gators use for birth control?
A. - Their personality.

Q. - The difference between the Boy Scouts and the University of Florida?
A. - The Boy Scouts have adult supervision.

Q. - How come the UF football team doesn't have a Website?
A. - They can't string three "W's" together.

Q. - Why do all Gators all have a dimple on their chin and a flat forehead?
A. - Finger on chin - I don't know. Hits forehead - Oh I get it

Q. - How does a Gator high-five?
A. - He smacks himself in the forehead.

Q. - What's 200 yards long and has an I.Q. of forty?
A. - The the University of Florida Marching Band.

Q. - What happened to the University of Florida Library?
A. - Someone stole the book.

Q. - What happens when a University of Florida grad doesn't pay his garbage bill?
A. - They stop delivering.

Q. - How do you get a University of Florida student out of the bath tub?
A. - Throw in a bar of soap.

Q. - Did you hear about the UF graduate that locked his keys in his car?
A. - He had to use a coat hanger to get his family out.

25 - Power Outage

Did you hear about the big power outage at the UF student union?

Forty Gators were stuck on the escalator for three hours.

26 - Sawmill

Two University of Florida grads were working at the local sawmill and one Gator got too close to the saw and it cut off his ear.

The ear fell in the sawdust pit so he jumped down into the pit and was hunting around trying to find it.

The second Gator saw him and hollered down, "What're you doing?"

The first Gator said that he had cut off his ear and was looking for it.

The second guy said, "I'll help you" and jumped in the pit.

He was searching around on his hands and knees and then hollered, "I found it!"

The first Gator took it and examined it closely, then said, "Keep looking. Mine had a pencil behind it."

27 - Simple Pleasure

A guy walks into a shoe store and asks for a pair of size 9 tie shoes.

The salesman says, "But, sir, I can see from up here you're at least a size 11."

The guy says, "Just bring me a size 9 shoe with laces."

The salesman brings them, the guy stuffs his feet into them, ties them tight, and then he stands up, obviously in pain.

The salesman just has to ask, "Sir, why must you have these undersized shoes?"

He says to the salesman, "I lost my business and my house, I live with my mother-in-law, my wife is having a relationship with my best friend, my daughter is pregnant, and – worst of all - my son is about to go to the University of Florida.

The only pleasure I will have in life is taking off these damn shoes."

28 - Golf Course Owner Gets Help

The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, 'You graduated from the University of Florida and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?'

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, 'Everything but my earrings.'

29 - Decisions Decisions

A group of Gator buddies went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.

"Where's Henry?" the others asked.

"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.

"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.

"Tough call," nodded the hunter, "But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!"

30 - Inebriated Gator

A UF Gator phoned the Gainesville police to report that thieves had been in his car.

"They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator!" he cried out.

However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time with the same voice came over the line.

"Never mind," he said with a hiccup, "I got in the back seat by mistake."

31 - UF Spouse Loses Husband

A lady calls the Gainesville police to report her husband is missing. The police arrive and ask for a description. She tells them he's 6 foot 2 inches tall, blonde wavy hair and has a smile that makes everybody love him.

The police then go to the next door neighbor to verify this report and the lady next door tells the police, "You can't believe her. He's 5 foot 4 inches tall, has no hair and he wears a perpetual frown on his face."

The neighbor then goes and asks the lady why she gave the police such a false report.

She replies, "Just because I reported him missing, doesn't mean I wanted him back!"

32 - Doctor! Doctor!

A mother gets concerned about her son who is a freshman at the University of Florida. He has returned home for the weekend but just doesn’t seem to be himself. She gets a Saturday morning appointment and takes him to a psychiatrist and says, "Doctor, I'd like you to evaluate my son who is a student at the University of Florida."

"He's suffering from a transient psychosis with an intermittent memory lapse disorder, punctuated by episodic mood swings, lack of motivation, procrastination, overinflated ego, overinflated sense of self-worth, overinflated sense of accomplishment, and greatly exaggerated feelings of achievement. Unfortunately his prognosis is rather pessimistic for full recovery."

"How can you say all that without even meeting him?"

"Didn't you say he is a Gator?"

33 - Heavenly Reward

Steve Spurrier dies and finds himself standing at the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter checks his book and is surprised to find Spurrier's name there, but he decides that God must be even more merciful than he realized. So Saint Peter takes Spurrier on a tour. He shows Steve a fairly nice two-bedroom house with a faded UF banner and a faded South Carolina banner hanging from the front porch.

"This is your house, coach. Most people don't get their own houses up here," St. Peter says.

Steve looks at the house, pretty nice. Actually very nice. He opens a window to look at his view. At that point he hears the Florida State University War Chant coming from across the way.

He looks to see where the sound is coming from, and he sees a magnificent estate sitting on top of a beautiful hill.

It's a huge three-story mansion with white marble columns and little patios under all the windows. There is a giant garage, a horse stable, and a guest house. He can see two huge pools and even a lazy river. Out back there is a golf driving range and an executive Par 3 course. FSU flags line both sides of the sidewalk and a huge FSU Seminole banner hangs between the marble columns.

"Thanks for the house," he says to Saint Peter, "but let me ask you a question.

I get this little two-bedroom house with faded banners and Bobby Bowden gets an estate with all kinds of great things and new FSU Seminole banners and flags flying all over the place. Why is that?"

Saint Peter comes over to see what Spurrier is talking about. He looks at at Spurrier seriously for a moment, and says, "That's not Bobby's house, that's God's house."

34 - Buying a TV

A guy wearing a Gator tee shirt walks into a store and says, "Can I buy that TV?" The salesman says, "No, you’re a Gator." The next day the Gator goes back without any University of Florida outerwear and says, "Can I buy that TV?" The salesman says, "No, you’re a Gator." The next day the Gator goes back wearing a mustache and a wig and asks with a disguised voice, "Can I buy that TV?" The salesman says, "No, you’re a Gator." The guy says, "How do you know I’m a Gator?" The salesman says, "Because that’s not a TV, it’s a microwave."

35 - Puzzle Help

A Florida Gator calls 9-1-1 and says, "Please help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started." Well the 9-1-1 operator in Gainesville is used to weird calls, and is feeling charitable and sends over one of the more understanding Gainesville cops.

The policeman arrives and asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The Gator says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

The cop decides to go over and help with the puzzle. The Gator shows the policemen the puzzle spread all over the table. The officer studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to the Gator and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger. Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he sighed, "let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."

36 - Speeding Ticket

A police officer in Gainesville stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replies in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Yesterday you took my license away, and today you expect me to show it to you!"

37 - University of Florida Ice Fishermen

There were two old boys from Gainesville who love to fish, and they wanted to do some ice fishing. They'd heard about it up in Canada, and they took off up there. The lake was frozen nicely. They stopped just before they got to the lake at a little bait shop and got all their tackle. One of them said, "We're going to need an ice pick."

So they got that, and they took off. In about two hours, one of them was back at the shop and said, "We're going to need about a dozen ice picks."

Well, the fellow in the shop wanted to ask some questions, but he didn't. He sold him the picks, and the old boy left.

In about an hour, he was back. Said, "We're going to need all the ice picks you've got."

The bait man couldn't stand it any longer. "By the way," he asked, "how are you fellows doing?"

"Not very well at all," he said. "We don't even have the boat in the water yet."

38 - Double Decker Bus

Two bowling teams are going to an NCAA tournament, University of Florida, and nearby Santa Fe College in Gainesville. In the interests of saving money, they charter a double-decker bus for the trip. A coin flip puts Santa Fe in the bottom of the bus, and University of Florida in the top of the bus.

The Santa Fe team down below is whooping it up when one of them realizes he doesn't hear anything from the top. He walks up the stairs, and there are all the Gators clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles, scared to death.

He says, "What the heck's goin' on? We're down here havin' a grand old time."

One of the Gators replies, "Yeah, but you guys've got a driver."

39 - Need Some Help Here

This University of Florida grad decides to try skydiving. He jumps out of the plane, pulls the ripcord and nothing happens.

On the way down he passes a Gator buddy going up, so he hollers, "Hey, y'all know anything about parachutes?"

The Gator buddy says, "No, do you know anything about gas barbecues?"

40 - The Golden Saloon

A Gator comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy. "Where the heck have you been all night?" she demands.

"At this fantastic new Gainesville bar," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor, the works - heck, even the urinal's gold!"

The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband's story.

"Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the phone.

"Yes it is," bartender answers.

"Do you have huge golden doors?"

"Sure do." "Do you have golden floors?"

"Most certainly do."

"What about golden urinals?"

There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, "Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that urinated in your saxophone last night!"

41 - UF Gator Worries While Flying

Two Gators were traveling in an airplane from Orlando to LA. About an hour into the flight, the pilot announced that they had lost an engine, but don't worry, there are three left.

However, instead of four hours it would take five hours to get to Los Angeles. A little later, he announced that a second engine failed, and they still had two left, but it would take seven hours to get to Los Angeles.

Somewhat later, the pilot again came on the intercom and announced that a third engine had died. Never fear, he announced, because the plane could fly on a single engine.

However, it would now take ten hours to get to Los Angeles. At this point, one Gator turned to the other and said, "Gee, I hope we don't lose that last engine, or we'll be up here forever!"

42 - UF Grad on the Ladies' Tee

It was a sunny Saturday morning on the course, and the Gator was beginning his pre-swing routine, visualizing his upcoming shot, when a voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker.

"Would the gentleman on the Ladies Tee back up to the Men's Tee, please!"

The Gator was still deep in his routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption.

Again the announcement--"Would the MAN on the WOMEN'S Tee kindly back up to the Men's Tee."

The Gator finally stopped, turned, looked through the clubhouse window directly at the person with the mike and shouted back, "Would the person in the clubhouse kindly shut up and let me play my second shot?!"

43 - UF Football Team Relaxation

The UF football coach gave his team a few days off. Several decided to go down and across to Daytona Beach for fun and relaxation. Coach Muschamp saw the players the first day back at practice and asked about their vacation.

"Not good coach," said the players. "We never made it to the beach."

"Why not," the coach asked, "car trouble?"

"No," the Gators replied, "every few miles down the interstate we saw signs that said, 'Exit, Clean Restrooms'.

You have no idea how many restrooms we cleaned between Gainesville and Daytona Beach."

44 - Water in the Carburetor

Gator #1: "Hey, buddy. Can you help me with my car? It has water in the carburetor."

Gator #2: "Water in the carburetor? That’s ridiculous."

Gator #1: "Well, I’m telling you the car has water in the carburetor."

Gator #2: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where is the car?"

Gator #1: "In the lake."

45 - Watch Out For That Tree

A state trooper pulls over a car on a lonely back road near Gainesville and approaches the driver. The car has a “UF” sticker on the rear window. "Sir, is there a reason you're weaving all over the road?"

The Gator replies, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here! I almost had an accident. I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!"

Reaching through the side window to the rearview mirror, the officer says, "Son, that's your air freshener."

46 - Where Are We Going?

A UF grad, a USF grad, and a UM grad were all up in a long distance hot-air balloon together that departed from the Florida Keys and headed north. After a few hours, the Hurricane put his hand down through the clouds. "Aaah!" he said. "We're right over Miami."

"How can you tell?" asked the Gator.

"I can feel the warm air of the ocean and the heat off the sand at South Beach." he replied. The other two occupants were somewhat impressed.

Many hours later the South Florida Bull put his hand through the clouds. "Aah we're right over Tampa." he said.

"How do you know that?" asked the Miami grad.

“I can feel the bay water breeze," said the South Florida grad, and the other two occupants were very impressed.

Yet many more hours later the Gator put his hand through the clouds. "Aah, we're right over UF."

The other two occupants were amazed. "How do you know all of that?" they exclaimed.

The Gator pulled his hand up. "My watch is missing."

47 - Adopted By the University of Florida Football Team

A child custody case was held in court in Gainesville, Florida. The judge felt that the mother and father were both fit to be parents and therefore couldn't decide who he should grant full custody to. So he asks the little boy, "Would you like to live with your mother?"

"No." said the boy.

"Why not?" said the judge.

"Because she beats me."

The judge says, "Okay, then you'll go live with your father."

"Oh No," cried the boy, "He beats me, too."

Dumbfounded, the judge asks, "Okay, who do you want to live with?"

"I want to live with the University of Florida football team."

"Why?" asks the judge.

"They don't beat anybody."

48 - Art of Recruiting

One day while walking down the street a UF grad was tragically hit by a bus and died. His soul arrived up in heaven where he was met at the pearly gates by St. Peter himself.

“Welcome to Heaven,” said St. Peter. “Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we’ve never once had a UF Grad make it this far, and we’re not really sure what to do with you.”

“No problem, just let me in.” said the Gator.

“Well, I’d like to, but I have higher orders. What we’re going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want, to spend an eternity in.”

“Actually, I think I’ve made up my mind; I prefer to stay in Heaven”, said the Gator.

“Sorry, we have rules . . . ”

And with that, St. Peter put the Gator in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell.

The doors opened and he found himself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of him were all his friends - fellow UF grads whom he had worked with, and they were all in formal evening dress and cheering for him.

They ran up and shook his hand and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where he enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner.

He met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy and he had a great time telling jokes and dancing. He was having such a good time that before he knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook him hand and waved good bye as he got on the elevator. The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and he found St. Peter waiting for him.

“Now it’s time to spend a day in Heaven,” he said. So he spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. He had a great time and before he knew it him 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got him.

“So, you’ve spent a day in Hell and you’ve spent a day in Heaven. Now you must choose your eternity,” he said.

The Gator paused for a second and then replied, “Well, I never thought I’d say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell.”

So St. Peter escorted him to the elevator and again he went down-down-down, back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened he found himself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth.

He saw him friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to him and put his arm around him.

“I don’t understand,” stammered the Gator, “yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is, is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable.”

The Devil looked at him and smiled. “Yesterday we were recruiting you. Today, you’re STAFF.”

49 - Air Disaster

Florida's worst air disaster occurred today when a small two-seater Cessna crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in Gainesville near the University of Florida. The university response team rushed to the scene and Gator rescue workers have recovered 826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.

50 - Gator Boyfriend

One night a young lady from Gainesville girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents, and they were appalled by his appearance: dirty UF sweatshirt, unshaven, offensive body odor, motorcycle boots, various Gator tattoos, and more piercings than they wanted to count.

Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern. "Dear," said the mother diplomatically, "he doesn't seem very nice."

"Oh please, Mom," replied the daughter, "if he wasn't nice, why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?"

51 - Prescription for Good Health

An elderly Gator alum was not feeling well so he visited his doctor at Shands. After giving the Gator a thorough check-up, he asked the patient to go out to the waiting room and to have his wife come in so he can speak with her.

The wife comes in and the doctor says, "Your husband is very, very sick. Dangerously sick. You are going to need to provide extra, extra care for him for a long while. He'll need three hot meals a day. He can't exert himself so you'll need to provide him with drinks, snacks, and other things that he would normally get for himself. And if he wants sex, you'll need to provide that pretty much on call. Understand?"

The wife said she understood and went back out to the waiting room to see her husband.

The Gator husband asked, "What did the doctor say?"

The wife replied. "He said you are going to die."

52 - Admission Test

Several colleges have started a pilot program that uses a simple group experiment with Legos as a replacement for the standard admissions test. The group must recreate a model of a robot in the next room, with only one team member allowed to view the robot at any one time.

Since different schools have different admissions requirements, the test has been modified to meet the requirements of various schools:

• FSU College of Engineering: Build a real, working robot out of Legos.
• Rollins Liberal Arts College: Pick your favorite color of Lego block.
• Keiser College Culinary Arts Program: Bake an Eggo that is so good that no one would want to play with a Lego.
• University of Florida: Steal as many Legos as possible.

53 - Where is Your Wife?

On a rural road a state trooper pulled this UF grad over and said: "Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?"

To which the Gator replied: "Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!"

54 - The Girl of His Dreams

A young Gator at the University of Florida called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the girl of his dreams. Now what should he do?

His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your apartment for a home-cooked meal?"

He thought this was a great strategy, and a week later, the girl came to dinner. His mother called the next day to see how things had gone.

"I was totally humiliated," he moaned. "She insisted on washing the dishes."

"What's wrong with that?" asked his mother.

"We hadn't started eating yet."

55 - The Healing Touch

A University of Georgia alum in a wheelchair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Bulldog looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?" The waitress nodded "yes," so the Bulldog told her to give Jesus a cup of coffee, on him.

The next patron to come in was a University of South Carolina alum with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus over there?" The waitress nodded, so the Gamecock said to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, "my treat."

The third patron to come into the restaurant was a University of Florida alum on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there sweet thang. How's about gettin' me a cold glass of Coke!" He too looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that God's boy over there?" The waitress once again nodded that it was, so the Gator said to give Jesus a cold glass of Coke, "on my bill."

As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the University of Georgia, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Bulldog felt the strength come back to his legs, got up and danced a jig right out the door.

Jesus also passed by the University of South Carolina alum, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Gamecock felt his back straightening up, and he raised his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of back flips out the door.

Then Jesus walked up to the Gator.

The Gator jumped up and yelled, "Don't touch me... I'm drawin' disability!"

56 - The Gator and His Thermos

A Gator goes into a store and sees a shiny object. He asks the clerk, "What is that shiny object?"

The clerk replies, "That is a thermos."

The Gator then asks, "What does it do?"

The clerk responds, "It keeps hot things hot and it keeps cold things cold."

The Gator says, "I'll take it!"

That afternoon he walks into his dorm with his new thermos. A Gator upperclassman sees him and asks, "What is that shiny object you have?"

He says, "It's a thermos."

The upperclassman then says, "What does it do?"

He replies, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."

The upperclassman says, "Wow, what do you have in it?"

The Gator replies, "Two cups of coffee and a popsicle."

57 - The Gator and the Gorilla

A small Virginia Wild Animal Park had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very "in the mood," and difficult to handle.

Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat.

To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available.

While reflecting on their problem, the park administrators noticed Ed, a UF graduate and part-time intern, responsible for cleaning the animals' cages.

Ed, like most Gators, was supremely confident in his ability to satisfy a female of ANY species.

So, the park administrators thought they might have a solution.

Ed was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500?

Ed showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

The following day, Ed announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions.

"First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her.

Secondly, you must never tell anyone about this."

The park administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition.

"Well," said Ed, "You gotta give me another week to come up with the $500."

58 - The Gator Cook

A Gator was cooking something in the oven when it caught on fire and started filling the entire house with smoke. Panicked, he called 9-1-1.

When the call was answered the Gator screams, "HELP, MY HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!"

To which the crisis manager inquires, "How do we get to your house?"

To which our Gator says, "Duhhh, IN A BIG RED TRUCK

59 - Paint Job

A recent UF grad, unemployed of course, but wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire himself out as a 'handy-man' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. He went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for him to do.

'Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,' he said. 'How much will you charge me?'

Delighted, the Gator quickly responded, 'How about $50?'

The man agreed and told him that the paint brushes and everything he would need was in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, 'Does he realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?'

He responded, 'That's a bit cynical, isn't it?'

The wife replied, 'You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those Gator jokes '.

Later that day, the Gator came to the door to collect his money.

'You're finished already?' the startled husband asked.

'Yes, the Gator replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.'

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to him along with a ten dollar tip.

'And by the way,' the Gator added, 'it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus.'

60 - The Right Woman

Sitting in the bar George, a UF grad, asked his 40-year-old former Gator buddy Johnny, "How come you aren't married?"

Johnny: "I haven't found the right woman yet."

George: "So what are you looking for?"

Johnny: "Oh she's got to be real pretty, - a good cook and house-keeper, and she's got to know how to handle money, a really nice and pleasant personality is a must - and money, she's got to have money...and a home, a nice big house, is what she has to have."

George: "A woman like that would be crazy to marry YOU."

Johnny: "Oh, it’s okay if she is crazy."

61 - UF Grad Does Good

Did you hear about the University of Florida graduate who got a job with more than 3,000 people under him?

Yeah, he works cutting grass at the cemetery.

62 - UF Grad and the Pizza Coupon

Some University of Florida students got hungry one night and pooled their resources. They came up with $20 and a $5 coupon for a large pizza.

One of the Gators (the one who thought he had enougb gas in his car) made the drive over to the pizza place for the pick-up.

About twenty-five minutes later, the Gator returns to his Gator buddies with the large pizza ... and the coupon!

They asked the obvious question, "Why didn't you use the coupon?"

He replied, "I had enough money. I didn't need the coupon."

63 - New Math

Three University of Florida grads have applied for a job that requires the use of higher order mathematics.

The interviewer asks the first Gator, "What is three cubed?"

"274," is his reply.

The interviewer rolls his eyes and looks up at the ceiling, and says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three cubed?"

"Tuesday," replies the second Gator.

The interviewer shakes his head sadly, then asks the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three cubed?"

"Twenty-seven," says the third Gator.

"That's great!" says the interviewer. "How did you get that?"

"Simple," he says, "just subtract 274 from Tuesday."

64 - Change of School Colors

Did you hear that the University of Florida is going to change its colors from orange and blue to just orange?

That way the players can wear their uniforms (1) to the game on Saturday, (2) while hunting on Sunday, and (3) for the Sheriff's Work Crew Monday through Friday.

65 - Smart Dog

A young man from Tampa goes off to the University of Florida, but half way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money. He calls home.

"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here at the University of Florida that will teach our dog, ol' Blue how to talk!"

"That's amazing," his Dad – a Gator alum - says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"

"Just send him up here with $1,000" the young Gator says. "I'll get him in the course." So, his father sends the dog and $1,000. About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.

"So how's Ol' Blue doing, son," his Gator Dad asks.

"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"

"Read!" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." The money promptly arrives.

But the young Gator has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he arrives back in Tampa at the end of the year, his father is all excited.

"Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messing' around with that little redhead who lives in Brandon?'"

The Gator Dad exclaimed, "I hope you shot that stupid dog before he talks to your Mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"

66 - A Great Weekend!

A somewhat senior FSU grad walks into an Ocala area upscale jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. She was wearing her UF sweatshirt of course. (Where did they get a beautiful UF gal? Well, that must be another story.)

Continuing . . .

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his new-found girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. “Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000,” the jeweler said. The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old Nole seeing this said, “We'll take it!”

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, “By check. And I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday morning to verify the funds, and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.”

On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said, “There's no money in that account.”

“I know,” said the Nole, “But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!

67 - Touring Washington

A Gator was visiting Washington, DC for the first time. He wanted to see the Capitol building. Unfortunately, he couldn't find it, so he asked a police officer for directions, "Excuse me, officer, how do I get to the Capitol building?"

The officer replied, "Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. It'll take you right there." The Gator thanked the officer, and the officer drove off.

Three hours later the police officer returned to the same area and, sure enough, the guy is still waiting at the same bus stop. The officer got out of his car and said, "Excuse me, but to get to the Capitol building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus. That was three hours ago. Why are you still waiting?"

The Gator replied, "Don't worry, officer, it won't be long now. The 45th bus just went by!"

68 - Three Gators Fishing

Three Gators are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, "Excuse me, guys, I'd like to see your fishing licenses."

"We don't have any." replied the first Gator.

"Well, if you’re going to fish, you need fishing licenses." said the Game Warden.

"But officer," replied the second Gator, "we aren't fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river."

The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line. "Well, I know of no law against it," said the Game Warden, "take all the debris you want." And with that, the Game Warden left.

As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three Gators started laughing hysterically. "What a dumb Fish Cop," the second Gator said to the other two, "doesn't he know that there are steelhead in this river?!"

69 - Sharing

An elderly UF grad and his equally elderly wife went to McDonald's. They ordered one cheeseburger, one large fry, one large drink, and an extra large soda. When the old couple sat down, the man sitting next to them watched the old Gator cut the burger in half, taking half of the fries and giving his wife half, and pouring the soda in the extra cup he ordered.

The man at the next table was confused, so he went over there and told the couple that if they couldn't afford a meal for each of them, he would be happy to pay for it. The old UF grad shook his head and told him that there was no need because he and his wife had shared everything for the last 40 years.

The man went back to his seat and then he saw the old woman eating while the old man just sat there doing nothing.

He went over to them again and asked the old man why he wasn't eating.

He said, "Well, it's her turn to use the teeth."

70 - Doin' the Wash

One day two Gator roommates went to the laundromat to do some wash. One especially needed to wash his Gator sweatshirt.

Seconds after he stepped into the laundry area, he shouted across to his Gator buddy, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," the roommate replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

The Gator yelled back, "University of Florida."

71 - Dean's List

UF Student: Hey, Dad! I've got some great news for you!"

Father: "What, son?"

UF Student: "Remember the $500 you promised me if I made the Dean's List?"

Father: "I certainly do."

UF Student: "Well, you get to keep it."

72 - English Essay

Freshman English is always tough on first year Gators, even though the standards are relatively low as compared to real universities.

And the English teacher was pretty upset when he handed Bubba back his paper. "This is the worst essay it has ever been my misfortune to read," ranted the professor. "It has so many writing mistakes and dumb punctuation errors that I can't understand how one person could ever have submitted something so dreadful."

"One person didn't," replied Bubba defensively. "My three roommates helped."

73 - One Fine Day in Gainesville

It was the first day of Grade Three in Gainesville's UF Prep Academy for Johnny. As a test, his teacher went around the room and asked each of the students to count to 50. Some did very well, counting as high as 30 or 40 with just a few mistakes. Others couldn't get past 20. Johnny, however, did extremely well; he counted past 50, right up to 100 without any mistakes.

He was so excited that he ran home and told his Dad, a Gator Alum, how well he had done. His Dad nodded and told him, "That's because you are University of Florida material, son."

The next day, in language class, the teacher asked the students to recite the alphabet. It's Grade Three, so most could make it half way through without much trouble. Some made it to S or T, but Johnny rattled off the alphabet perfectly right to the end. That evening, Johnny once again bragged to his Dad about his prowess in his new school.

His Dad, knowingly, explained to him, "That's because you are University of Florida material, son."

The next day, after Physical Education, the boys were taking showers. Johnny noted that, compared to the other boys in his grade, he seemed overly "well endowed." This confused him.

That night he told his Dad. "Dad, they all have little tiny ones, but mine is three times bigger than theirs. Is that because I'm University of Florida material?" he asked.

"No, son," explained his Dad, "That's because you're 18."

74 - Mining Accident

The seven dwarfs are involved in a mining accident, the roof collapses and they are all buried alive.

After several hours of frantic digging the rescue team hears a faint cry: "The Gators have the best football team ever; the Gators have the best football team ever."

The rescue team leader turns to his assistant and says "At least we know Dopey is still alive."

75 - The Brave Gator

A University of Florida fan died and went to heaven. On his arrival at the Pearly Gates he was met by St. Peter who explained that although they loved everyone they drew the line at Gators and he wasn't allowed to come in.

"That's not fair!" said the Gator, and he continued to complain about his rejection.

"Can't you make an exception?" he begged.

"Okay," said St. Peter. "If you can prove to me you've done one act of bravery in your life I will let you in."

"But I have," said the Gator. "When the University of Florida played FSU at Doak Campbell Stadium in Tallahassee I went on my own and I wore my Gators sweatshirt, my Gators hat, and my Gators scarf; and I went to the Osceola Club Terrace in the middle of the Seminoles and sang the Gator Fight Song."

St. Peter replied," That was very courageous, and when did you do this brave deed?"

The Gator looked at his watch and said, "Oh it was about one minute ago."

76 - Theft!

A burglary was committed at the University of Florida. The entire contents of the athletic trophy room were taken.

Police are looking for a man with an orange and blue carpet.

77 - Photo Help

Six Gators were at McDonalds boisterously celebrating the completion of their remedial math course.

One of them got up and produced a camera to record the memorable event.

"Hey, wait a minute," said one of the Gators. "We all have to be in the picture."

So they asked the counter attendant if he would take the picture, and he agreed. The Gator who owned the camera was delighted.

The picture was taken, and the McDonalds' employee asked, "Do you want me to take another in case that one doesn't come out?"

"Oh, no, that's okay," said the Gator camera owner. "I always get the double prints."

78 - Gun Control

A renowned expert on gun control spoke at an a student assembly at the University of Florida. He asked the audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands once every few seconds, holding the audience in total silence.

Then he said into the microphone, "Gators, every time I clap my hands together, a child in America dies from gun violence."

Then, little Bubba Clapton, a proud Gator with a middle Florida drawl, pierced the quiet and said, "Well, idiot, stop clapping!"

79 - Hearing Aid

A Gator with two red ears went to her doctor.

The doctor asked her, "What happened?"

She answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang, but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."

"Oh, Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But what happened to your other ear?"

"The person called back."

80 - Gone to the Dogs

An exhausted student reported in to the University of Florida Health Clinic. The Gator complained, "Doctor, my neighborhood is over-run with dogs. They bark all day and all night – they’re so noisy that I can’t get a wink of sleep."

"I have good news," said the doctor. "There are special pills for that problem and I’ll give you a prescription that will take care of your problem. Come see me in two weeks."

When the Gator returned in two weeks the doctor asked, "How are you feeling now?"

Looking worse than ever, the Gator replied, "Your prescription didn't work. I'm more tired than before."

"I just can’t understand it," said the doctor, shaking his head. "Those pills are almost guaranteed to work."

"That may be true," said the Gator, "but I’m up all night chasing the dogs. When I finally catch one, it’s almost impossible to make him swallow the pill."

81 - Snow Driving Strategy

A University of Florida grad somehow got a job up in Chicago. One day it was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the gator got off work. He made her way to his car and wondered how he was going to make it home. He sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about his situation. He finally remembered some advice from a Gator buddy that if he got caught in a blizzard he should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it.

That way he would not get stuck in a snow drift. This made him feel much better and sure enough in a little while a snow plow went by and he started to follow it.

As he followed the snow plow he was feeling very smug as they continued and he was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions. After an hour had passed, he was somewhat surprised when the snowplow stopped and the driver got out and came back to his car and signaled for him to roll down his window. The snow plow driver wanted to know if he was all right as he had been following him for a long time.

He said that he was fine and told him of his Gator buddy's advice to follow a snow plow when caught in a blizzard.

The driver replied that it was okay with him and he could continue if he wanted, but he was done with the WalMart parking lot and was going over to Sears next.

82 - Gators and Technology

• A Gator bought a new notebook PC with a wireless network card. He loved it - for a day or so, until the battery goes dead. He called the campus Help Desk.

  "Did you plug it into a power outlet to charge it?" asked the Help Desk assistant?.

  "No," says the Gator. "It's wireless, why would I?"

• Another Gator called to complain that there was something wrong with her password. No, it's not CAPS lock. "The problem is that whenever I type the password, it just shows stars," says the student.

  Those asterisks are to protect you, tech explains, so if someone were standing behind you, they wouldn't be able to read your password.

  "Yeah," says the Gator, "but they show up even when there is no one standing behind me."

• UF Helpdesk: "How may I help you?"

  Gator: "I'm writing my first e-mail."

  Helpdesk: "Okay, and what seems to be the problem?"

  Gator: "Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?"

83 - Here to Help

She approached and asked if he was okay. The boy said he was. A little while later however, she noticed the boy was in the same spot, still by himself. Approaching again, the Gator said, "Would you like me to be your friend?"

The boy hesitated, then said, "Okay", looking at the woman suspiciously.

Feeling she was making progress, she then asked, "Why are you standing here all alone? Why don't you go and join those boys playing soccer over there?"

"Because," the little boy said with great exasperation, "I'm the goalie!"

84 - Popping Ears

Aboard a flight from Orlando to New York, University of Florida grad Bubba was taking his very first flight.

They had only been aloft a few minutes when Gator complained to the stewardess that his ears were popping.

The girl smiled and gave the Gator some chewing gum, assuring him that many people experienced the same discomfort. When they landed in New York, Bubba thanked the stewardess.

"The chewing gum worked fine," he said, "but tell me, how do I get it out of my ears?"

85 - While Out Jogging One Morning

One day Billy Napier, the Gator head football coach, was out jogging and accidentally fell from a bridge into a very cold river. Three boys, playing along the river, saw the accident. Without a second thought, they jumped in the water and dragged the wet coach out of the river.

After cleaning up he said, "Boys, you saved the Gator Head Coach today. You deserve a reward. You name it, I'll give it to you."

The first boy said, "Please, I'd like a 50-yard-line ticket to all Gator home football games!"

"I'll personally hand them to you," said Coach Napier.

"I'd like a game-worn autographed jersey from the Gator quarterback," the second boy said.

"I'll get it myself and give it to you," said the grateful Napier.

"And I'd like a wheelchair with a stereo in it," said the third boy.

"I'll personally ... wait a second, son, you're not handicapped!"

"No -- but I will be when my Seminole dad finds out I saved you from drowning."

86 - New Glasses

A Gator football player was doing poorly in class, even with the help of two tutors. Soon the tutors came to suspect that the football player had vision problems, so they took him to an optometrist. Sure enough, he needed glasses.

But the player wasn't thrilled about the glasses and asked why he had to wear them.

The doctor replied, "They're to help you read and be able to see the computer better."

When the Gator got back home, he sat sat down at the computer. In a few minutes he called to his tutors and said, "There's something wrong with my glasses."

"What's the problem?"

"I can see the computer better, but I still can't read."

87 - Gator Furnishings

Bubba and Bubbette, married Gators, were looking at a new living room suite in the furniture store.

Bubba says to the salesman, "We really like it, but I don't think we can afford it."

The salesman says, "It's easy. You just make a small down payment . . . then you don't make another payment for six months."

Gator Bubbette wheeled around with her hands on her hips and says, "Who told you about us?"

88 - Gator Self Defense

Every day, when Gator Bubba walked home from class, he would get stopped by three nasty men and they would beat him up and steal his money.

Finally, Bubba decided that it would serve his best interest to walk a different route, but also take some self-defense classes so this wouldn't happen again. He joined a karate class and soon was doing very well with it.

One day, on the way home from school, Bubba confidently decided to take his old route home and, sure enough, there they were. He walked up to them and the battle ensued.

The next afternoon, Bubba went to his karate class with a black eye, a broken nose and a busted lip. His instructor was shocked and asked for an explanation.

"Well," explained Bubba, "I took my old way home last night so I could beat up those guys who used to steal my money."

His instructor said, "What happened?"

Bubba replied, "They jumped me before I could get my socks and shoes off!"

89 - Insufficient Funds

A freshman Gator gal came running in tears to her father. "Dad, you gave me some really bad financial advice!"

"I did? What did I say?" said the dad.

"You told me to put my money in that big bank near campus, and now that big bank is in trouble."

"What are you talking about? That’s one of the largest banks in Florida,” he exclaimed. “there has got to be a mistake."

"I don’t think so," she sniffed. "They just returned one of my checks with a note saying, Insufficient Funds."

90 - Talking Clock

While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, the Gator led the way into the den.

"What is the big brass gong and hammer for?" one of his Gator buddies asked.

"That is the talking clock," the Gator replied.

"How’s it work?" the friend asked.

"Watch," the man said then proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering pound with the hammer.

Suddenly someone screamed from the other side of the wall "KNOCK IT OFF, YOU IDIOT! It’s two AM in the morning!"

91 - Leaving Nothing to Chance

A Gator reported for a final examination that consisted of only true-false questions.

The student took a seat in the hall, stared at the test for five minutes, removed a coin from his pocket and started tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet. Heads meant true, tails meant false.

The young student finished the exam in 30 minutes, while the rest of the class was sweating it out.

Suddenly, during the last few minutes, the begins desperately throwing the coin and sweating profusely.

The moderator, alarmed, approached the student and asked what was going on.

"Well, I finished the exam in half an hour," said the student, ”but I thought I ought to recheck my answers."

92 - Help From Home

A Gator comes back to the dorm and finds his roommate near tears.

"What's the matter buddie?" he asked.

"I wrote home for my parents to send money so that I could buy a laptop, and they sent me the laptop," he moaned.

93 - Dad Visits

A Gator Dad, driving south on I-75 late one evening on a business trip, decides to pull off in Gainesville and pay a surprise visit to his Gator son.

Arriving at the fraternity house, he knocked on the door. After several minutes of knocking, a sleepy voice drifted down from a second floor window.

"Whattya want?"

"Does Jimmy Duncan live here?" asked the father.

"Yeah!" replied the voice. "Dump him on the front porch and we'll take care of him in the morning."

94 - Farm Accident

A Gator working on his dad's farm accidentally overturned his wagonload of corn. Another farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, "Hey, Bubba, forget your troubles. Come in and visit with us. I'll help you get the wagon up later."

"That's mighty nice of you," Bubba answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to."

"Aw, come on, boy," the farmer insisted.

"Well, OK," the boy finally agreed, and added, "but Pa won't like it."

After a hearty dinner, Bubba thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."

"Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?"

"Under the wagon."

95 - Wanted: Dead Or Alive

An office exec was interviewing a Gator for an assistant position, and wanted to find out a little about her personality.

"If you could have a conversation with anyone, alive or dead, who would it be?"

The Gator replied, "I'd have to say the living one."

96 - Special Lawyer Treatment

A graduate og the UF Law school dies and goes to the end of a long line at the Pearly Gates. To his surprise, St. Peter leaves his desk, walks over and greets him warmly. An angel takes the Gator lawyer by the hand, guides him to the front of the line and settles him into a comfortable chair.

The Gator lawyer says, "I appreciate all this attention, but what makes me so special?"

St. Peter replies, "Well, we've added up all the hours that you billed your clients, and by our calculations, you must be about 193 years old!"

97 - Tragedy Near Gainesville

Did you hear about the tragedy near Gainesville last night involving University of Florida students?

A pickup truck swerved off the road and into a pond. Four Gators died - the two in the front escaped but the four in the back couldn't open the tailgate.

98 - Half a Year to Live

A woman hears from her doctor that she has only half a year to live.

The doctor advises her to marry a Gator and to live in Gainesville.

The woman asks, "Will this cure my illness?"

The doctor replies, "No, but the half year will seem pretty long."

99 - Golf Help Please

Two University of Florida grads were playing golf at a foggy par three, and could see the flag, but not the green. Each hit their ball anyway. When they walked to the green, they were amazed to find one about three feet from the cup, while the other somehow had gone directly in. They tried to figure out which ball was which, since they were both using Top Flite X-Out 3s. Unable to decide, they returned to the Club House and asked the golf pro for a ruling.

After hearing their story and congratulating them both on their superb (superbly lucky?) shots under such adverse conditions he asked, "Okay, so which one of you was playing the yellow ball?"

100 - Gator Astronaut?

A UF Gator, a USF Bull, and an FSU Seminole were trying out for a new NASA experiment on sending women to different planets. First, they called the USF Bull in and asked him a question.

"If you could go to any planet, what planet would you want to go to and why?"

After pondering the question he answered, "I would like to go to Mars because it seems so interesting with all the recent news about possible extra terrestrial life on the planet."

They said "well okay, thank you." And told him that they would get back to him.

Next, the Seminole entered the room and the NASA people asked him the same question. He replied, "I would like to go to Saturn to explore all of its rings." Again, "thank you" and they would get back to him.

Finally, the Gator entered the room and they asked him the same question they asked the USF Bull and the FSU Seminole. He thought for a while and replied, "I would like to go to the sun."

The people from NASA replied, "why, don't you know that if you went to the sun you would burn to death?"

The Gator smirked and put his hands on his hips. "Are you guys dumb? I'd go at night!"

101 - An Iowan Visits Gainesville

This guy walks into a bar in Gainesville and orders a white wine.

All the Gator alums sitting around the bar look up, surprised, and the bartender looks around and says: "You ain't from around here, are ya... where ya from, boy?"

The guy says, "I'm from Iowa."

The bartender asks, "What th' hell you do in Iowa?"

The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender asks, "A taxidermist... now just what th' hell is a taxidermist?"

The guy says "I mount animals."

The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's okay Gator Buddies, he's one of us!"

102 - Gator Goes West

A University of Florida Gator was travelling by airplane out to the west coast. As a jet was flying over Arizona on a clear day, the copilot was providing his passengers with a running commentary about landmarks over the PA system.

"Coming up on the right, you can see the Meteor Crater, which is a major tourist attraction in northern Arizona. It was formed when a lump of nickel and iron, roughly 150 feet in diameter and weighing 300,000 tons, struck the earth 50,000 years ago at about 40,000 miles an hour, scattering white-hot debris for miles in every direction. The hole measures nearly a mile across and is 570 feet deep."

The Gator listened to all of this and exclaimed, “Wow, look! It just missed the highway!"

103 - The Performance

A lady was throwing a party for her granddaughter, and had gone all out and hired a caterer, a band, and a clown.

Just before the children's party started, two out-of-work University of Florida graduates showed up, looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for them, the woman told them that she would give them a meal if they would help chop some wood for her out back. Gratefully, they headed for the backyard.

The guests arrived, and all was going well, with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown had not shown up. After another half an hour, the clown finally called the woman to report that he was stuck in traffic, and would probably not be able to make the party at all.

The woman was very disappointed, and unsuccessfully tried to entertain the children herself. Then she happened to look out the back window, and saw one of the Gators doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watched in awe as he swung from tree branches, did mid¬air flips, and leaped high into the air.

She called to the other Gator and said, "What your friend is doing is absolutely spectacular! I have never seen such a thing! Do you think your friend would consider repeating his performance for the children at my party? I would pay him $50!"

The Gator replied, "Well, I dunno. Let me ask him... Hey, Bubba! For fifty dollars, would you chop off another toe?!"

104 - Get Me Off This Train

One weekend a number of UF Gators were going to catch a basketball game with their arch rival Hurricanes. They drove to Sanford, near Orlando, and got AmTrak tickets for taking the auto-train south to Miami.

As they took their seats they were approached by a man who said to them:

"Guys. I really need you to do me a favor, I have to take this train down to West Palm Beach, but I'm very tired and it is for sure that I will fall asleep. So what I want you to do is that you wake me up in West Palm Beach because I have to close a business deal there and it is very important for me. Here you all can split fifty bucks for the favor. But I warn you sometimes when people wake me up I get really violent, but no matters what I do or say you got to get me out of this train at West Palm Beach. Is that clear?"

So the Gators agreed and took the fifty dollars. Later, as the man had said, he fell asleep, but when he woke up he realized that he was in Fort Lauderdale. He was so mad at the Gators that he ran over and started yelling at them. "Are you stupid or something??? I paid you fifty dollars so that you wake me up in West Palm Beach. And you didn't, so I want my money back!!!!"

While the man was yelling at the Gators, two other guys that were also in the train were looking at them, so one turns to the other and says to him:

Man 1: "Look at that guy! Wow, he is mad!"

Man 2: "Yeah! He's almost as mad as the guy those Gators made get off the train in West Palm Beach."

105 - Gator Coffee

Bill and Doug went into the University of Florida Student Union in Gainesville. Like most of the institution, the place that looked as though it had seen better days. As they slid in a booth, Bill wiped some crumbs from the seat. Then he took a napkin and wiped some moisture from the table.

The waitress in her orange and blue sweat shirt came over and asked if they wanted some menus.

"No thanks," said Doug. "I'll just have a cup of black coffee."

"I'll have black coffee too," Bill said. "And please make sure the cup is clean."

The waitress shot him a nasty look. She turned and marched off into the kitchen. Two minutes later, she was back.

"Two cups of black coffee," she announced. "Which one of you wanted the clean cup?"

106 - Bad Gator Coffee

Late one night another man stopped in at the University of Florida Student Union to get himself a fresh-brewed cup of coffee. When he picked up the pot, he could not help noticing that the brew was as black as asphalt and just about as thick.

"How old is this coffee?" he asked the woman who was standing behind the store counter.

She shrugged. "I don't know. I've only been working here two weeks."

107 - Heavenly Thoughts

A UF Gator and a Georgia Bulldog died and (somehow) both went to heaven where they were issued their wings with the warning that if they had even had one bad thought their wings would fall off.

Well, everything went well for some time then one day they passed a very attractive and well put together young lady.

As the Bulldog turned to watch her pass his wings fell off.

When he bent over to pick them up the Gator’s wings fell off.

108 - Lawn Mowing

Two University of Florida graduates were sipping their Natural Light when a truck went past loaded up with rolls of sod.

"I'm going to do that when I win the lottery," announced Gator Grad #1.

"Do what?" asked Gator Grad #2.

"Send my lawn out to be mowed."

109 - Bob and the UF Grad

Bob, a handsome dude and an FSU grad, walked into a soda bar around 9:58 PM. He sat down next to an attractive young lady who was wearing a University of Florida sweatshirt and staring up at the TV.

The 10 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The UF lady looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Bob said, "You know, I'm sure he'll jump."

The Gator Gal replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "If you want to bet, you're on!"

Just as the young Gator lady placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, breaking both arms and both legs.

The UF grad was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."

Bob replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news, and so I knew he would jump."

The UF gal replied, "I did too, but didn't think he'd do it again."

Bob took the money . . .

110 - Afghani Place Kicker

U.S. soldiers in Panjab, Afghanistan had befriended some local families. The soldiers met with the couples socially and also played with their kids.

To the surprise of the soldiers, one young married Afghani man was able to place kick a football with amazing accuracy out to 55 yards. Wow! They thought they had something special and tried to shop him to NFL teams. But the young man had never played organized American football at any level so no one was interested.

But they had a friend of a friend who knew someone in the University of Florida athletic program. Yes, the young father had a high school degree; and yes, the Gator football team needed all the help it could get. A try-out was arranged by Skype and soon the young Afghani was on a football scholarship as a University of Florida foreign student.

Well, the Gator football team was not so good – as usual - but the Afghani was so good that he was nominated for the Lou Groza Award, given annually to recognize college football's top place-kicker. The weekend of the Award Banquet had all the nominees in New York. That night, just before the ceremony, the Afghani got a call from his wife, who said, "My dear husband, I am happy for you that you are now in a big city to perhaps win an important award and I would not normally bother you at such a time. But you need to know that I am worried and upset. I am anxious about our young daughter's safety at school. I am afraid of the shootings that happen on the streets each night. I am fearful of being robbed each time I step outside the house. I don't know what to do. I never should have let you leave me here . . .





. . . in Gainesville."

111 - Article from the Gainesville Sun Newspaper

Last night someone broke into the University of Florida freshman dorm and stole the toilets from bathrooms.

Right now the Gators have nothing to go on . . . . .

112 - Gator Lumber

Two Gators in a pickup truck drive into a lumberyard.

One of the Gators walks in the office and says, "We need some four-by-twos."

The clerk asks, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"

The Gator says, "I'll go check," and goes back to the truck.

He returns and says, "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours."

"All right. How long do you need them?"

The Gator pauses for a minute and says, "I'd better go check." He goes back to the truck to again confer with his Gator Buddy.

After a while, the Gator returns to the office and says, "A long time. We're gonna build a house."

113 - Gator Food Service

The student union building at the University of Florida has a restaurant. A waiter there brings a customer the steak he ordered. The waiter has his thumb over the meat.

"Are you crazy?" yells the customer, "You have your hand on my steak!"

"What . . ." answers the waiter, "You want it to fall on the floor again?"

114 - Meeting Women – Gator Style

A UF student vacations in France; he is walking along the beach. There are many beautiful women lying in the sun, and he really wants to meet one. But try as he might, the women don't seem to be at all interested. Finally, as a last resort, he walks up to a French guy lying on the beach who is surrounded by adoring women.

"Excuse me," he says, taking the guy aside, "but I've been trying to meet one of those women for about an hour now, and I just can't seem to get anywhere with them. You're French. You know these women. What do they *want*?"

"Maybe I can help a leetle beet," says the Frenchman. "What you do ees you go to zee store. You buy a leetle bikini sweeming suit. You walk up and down zee beach. You meet girl very qweekly zees way."

"Wow! Thanks!" says the Gator, and off he goes to the store. He buys a skimpy oranger and blue bathing suit, puts it on, and goes back to the beach. He parades up and down the beach but still has no luck with the ladies.

So he goes back to the Frenchman. "I'm sorry to bother you again," he says, "but I went to the store, I got a swimsuit, and I *still* haven't been able to meet a girl."

"Okay," says the Frenchman, "I tell you what you do. You go to zee store. You buy potato. You put potato in sweeming suit and walk up and down zee beach. You will meet girl very, very qweekly zees way."

"Thanks!" says the guy, and runs off to the store. He buys the potato, puts it in the swimsuit, and marches up and down the beach. Up and down, up and down he walks, but the women will hardly even look at him. After half an hour he can't take it anymore and goes back to the Frenchman.

"Look," says the Gator, "I got the suit, I put the potato in it, and I walked up and down the beach-- and still nothing! What more can I do?"

"Well," says the Frenchman, "maybe I can help you a leetle beet. Why don't you try moving zee potato to the *front* of zee sweeming suit?"

115 - Exact Words

The homeowner was (somehow) delighted with the way the Gator had done all the painting on his house.

"You did a great job," he said and handed the Gator a check.

"Also, in order to thank-you, here's an extra $100 to take the missus out to dinner and a movie."

Later that night, the doorbell rang and it was the Gator.

Thinking the Gator had forgotten something the man asked, "What's the matter, did you forget something?"

"Nope." replied the Gator. "I'm just here to take your missus out to dinner and a movie like you asked."

116 - Ever Helpful

A recent University of Florida graduate returns to his home in Ohio. One day he is out looking for a job and gets behind a truck. As the trucker stops for a red light; a Gator in the car behind catches up.

He jumps out of his car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.

The trucker lowers the window, and the Gator says, "Hi, my name is Filbert. I’m a University of Florida Gator, and you are losing some of your load."

The trucker ignores this and proceeds down the street.

When the truck stops for another red light, the Gator again catches up again. He jumps out of his car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the Gator says brightly, "Hi my name is Filbert. I’m a University of Florida Gator, and you are losing some of your load!"

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores him again and continues down the street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the Gator gets out of his car, runs up, and knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again he says, "Hi, my name is Filbert. I’m a University of Florida Gator, and you are losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green, the trucker revs up and races to the next light.

When the trucker stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck and runs back to the Gator. He knocks on his window, and as the Gator lowers it, he says, "Hi, my name is Kevin, I’m a graduate of George Washington High School here in Columbus, Ohio. It's winter here and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!

117 - This Just In

Although it appears likely that the University of Florida will have yet another losing baseball season, on a positive note the Gators are 32-0 in games in which they have scored more runs than their opponents.

118 - Tough Competition

"Well, at least the University of Florida baseball team is trying.

They installed a new pitching machine the other day.

Unfortunately it beat them 4-1."

119 - Tracking – UF Style

Three University of Florida Gators were walking through the forest when they came upon a set of tracks.

The first Gator said "those are deer tracks."

The second Gator said "No, those are elk tracks."

The third Gator said "You're both wrong, those are moose tracks."

The Gators were still arguing when the train hit them.

120 - Admittance to Heaven

A man dies and finds himself standing third in line at the Pearly Gates.

The Angel explains that admission requirements are now a bit more strict, as a few slum landlords and con artists have managed to slip into Heaven without being detected.

He queries the first candidate: "What was your annual salary, and what was your profession?

"I made $45,000 as a teacher," comes the reply.

"You may enter," says the Angel.

Second candidate; same question. “I made $33,000; I was a librarian.” He is also permitted to enter. Now it is the third man's turn.

“My annual salary was $2,500 plus food stamps.”

“Cool!” replies the Angel, “and what year did you graduate from the University of Florida?”

121 - Frozen

A Gator wife texts her Gator husband on a cold morning: "Windows frozen."

Her Gator husband texts back: "Pour some lukewarm water over it."

The Gator wife texts back 5 minutes later: "Computer completely messed up now."

122 - Road Work

A University of Florida graduate is hired to paint the lines on the road. On the first day he paints ten miles, and his employers are amazed. But, the second day he painted just five, and on only the third day, he painted only one mile of the road. Disappointed his boss asks what the problem was. The Gator replies, "Well sir, every day I have to walk farther and farther to get back to the paint bucket."

123 - Quite a Struggle

A fellow wearing a Go Gators sweatshirt was jumped by two muggers and fought like mad, but was finally subdued. His attackers then proceeded to go through his pockets.

"You mean you fought like that for 57 cents?" asked one of the muggers incredulously.

"Is that all you wanted?" moaned the Gator. "I thought you were after the $400 in my shoe!"

124 - Safety at Work

At the hog farm that employs many University of Florida graduates, there was an emphasis on safety.

"Does anyone know," the Safety Supervisor asked a few Gators, "what the speed limit is in our parking lot?"

The long silence that followed was interrupted when one of them piped up. "That depends. Do you mean coming to work or leaving?"

125 - Sales Pitch

A Gator finally got a job as a salesman. He visited his local hog farm and tried to get the owner to buy his product. In desperation he finally tried to bribe the fellow with a bottle of champagne.

"Oh, my conscience wouldn't let me take such a gift," the business owner protested.

"What if I sell it to you for a dime?" asked the Gator.

"In that case," replied the man, "I'll take ten bottles."

126 - Gators Are Slow

Do you know Gator grads are slow?

How slow are they?

They're so slow it takes them two hours to watch 60 Minutes.

127 - Gator Wife's Confessions

A wealthy Gator Grad and his wife are looking through a marriage-help book when the Gator husband turns to his wife. "It says here that the most important thing in a marriage is honesty. So let's come to grips here. Honey . . . have you ever cheated on me? I've never cheated on you."

The Gator saw the twisted look on his wife's face, and trying to suppress his anger, he asked: "How many times? And when?"

The wife responded, "Well... you know that time when your company was broke, and you couldn't get the landlord to let his payment slide for another month?"

The Gator husband stared. "You mean you're the one who got him to?"

His wife nodded. The husband thought it over, then sighed. "I guess that's okay. Any other times?"

"Well... when you had that heart attack, and the doctor refused to give a heart transplant for the amount of money we had at the time... I kinda . . ."

"Ah, you're the one who made it possible."

The Gator husband looked honestly relieved. "Well, that's understandable, you saved my life. Any others?"

She nodded. "One more."

The husband leaned forward.

"Well . . . you remember the time when you were running for president of your company, and you were short by 17 votes . . . ?"

128 - Unhappy Gator

A Gator joined a high-end fitness facility because he thought it would give him something to brag about to his Gator buddies.

But soon he became disillusioned and declared, "I'm going to quit this health club."

His wife asked, "Why?"

"The floors are so low I can't touch my toes."

129 - It's Not the Detergent That Gets You

The University of Florida Gator was at the corner "Mom & Pop" grocery picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent.

The grocer walked over, and, trying to be friendly, asked the young man if he had a lot of laundry to do.

"Oh, no laundry," the Gator said, "I'm going to wash my frog."

"But you shouldn't use this to wash your frog. It's very powerful and if you wash your frog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him."

But the Gator was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his frog.

About a week later the Gator was back in the store to buy some snacks. The grocer asked him how his frog was doing.

"Oh, he died," the Gator said.

The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the frog died but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your frog."

"Well," the Gator replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him."

"Oh? What was it then?"

"I think it was the spin cycle."

130 - Settling the Estate

A Gator alum dies. Somehow he had $20,000 to his name.

After everything is done at the funeral home and cemetery, his wife tells her closest friend that there is no money left.

The friend says, "How can that be? You told me he had $20,000 a few days before he died. How could you be broke?"

The Gator widow says, "Well, the funeral cost me $6,500. And of course, I had to make the obligatory donation for the church and the organist and all. That was $500 and I spent another $500 for the wake, food and drinks, you know. The rest went for the memorial stone."

The friend says, "$12,500 for the memorial stone? My God, how big was it?"

The widow says, "Three carats."

131 - Definition of Bonding

Seminole Bonding: The family gets together to watch FSU football players dominate other teams.

Gator Bonding: The family gets together to see how much bail money they can raise to get UF football players out of jail.

132 - A Gator's First Time in the City

A University of Florida Gator - fresh out of the country - was making his first shopping visit to downtown Gainesville.

There was one store in the city that happened to have an escalator down to the lower level, and after some coaxing and cajoling, the Gator stepped aboard for the trip downstairs.

Still very nervous, he said to his buddy, "Bubba, what do they do when the basement gets full of steps?"

133 - Lion Tamer

Two retired Gator grads are talking. One says, "I'm going to become a lion tamer."

The other replies, "That's crazy, you don't know nothing about no lion taming."

"Yes I do!"

"Well, OK, answer me this. When one of those lions comes at you all roaring and biting, what you gonna do?"

"I'll take that big chair they all carry, and I'll stick it in his face until he backs down."

"Well, what if the lion takes that big paw, and hooks the chair with them big claws, and throws that chair out of the cage? What do you do then?"

"I'll take that whip they all carry, and I'll whip him and whip him until he backs down."

"Well, what if that lion bites that whip with his big teeth, and bites it in two? What you gonna do then?"

"I'll take that gun they all carry, and shoot him."

"Well, what if that gun doesn't work? What will you do then?"

"I'll pick up some of the crap that's on the bottom of the cage, and I throw it in his eyes, and I run out of the cage."

"Well, what if there ain't no crap in the bottom of the cage? What you gonna do then?"

"You ain't thinkin' too clear—cause if that lion comes at me, and he throws the chair out of the cage, and he bites the whip in two, and my gun don't work, there's going to be some crap on the bottom of that cage. You can bet on that!"

134 - Chainsaw Work

A UF grad is looking to buy a saw to cut down some trees in his back yard. He goes to a chainsaw shop and asks about various chainsaws. The dealer tells him, "Look, I have a lot of models, but why don't you save yourself a lot of time and aggravation and get the top-of-the-line model. This chainsaw will cut a hundred cords of wood for you in one day."

So the UF grad takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees. After cutting for several hours and only cutting two cords, he decides to quit. He thinks there is something wrong with the chainsaw. "How can I cut for hours and only cut two cords?" the Gator asks himself. "I will begin first thing in the morning and cut all day," he tells himself. So, the next morning he gets up at 4 in the morning and cuts, and cuts, and cuts till nightfall, and he only manages to cut five cords.

The Gator is convinced this is a bad saw. "The dealer told me it would cut one hundred cords of wood in a day, no problem. I will take this saw back to the dealer."

The very next day the Gator brings the saw back to the dealer and explains the problem. The dealer, baffled by the claim, removes the chainsaw from the case. The dealer says, "Huh, it looks fine."

Then the dealer starts the chainsaw, to which the Gator responds, "What's that noise?"

135 - Animal Crackers

The two Gator roommates went to the grocery store to get some snacks. One of them bought Animal Crackers. Once back in their dorm room, the one with the box of animal crackers began spreading the animal-shaped crackers all over his desk.

"What are you doing?" his buddy asked.

"The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the Gator explained. "I'm looking for the seal."

136 - Leftovers

Occasionally at the McDonalds where the two Gator grads worked there are extra desserts, and the staff are given some to take home. Once the two Gators brought home two pieces of Mc-Cheesecake for themselves and the one Gator had a piece that evening.

The next day his Gator buddy found him watching TV and eating more Mc-Cheesecake.

"Are you eating my cheesecake?" he demanded.

"Oh, no," the Gator replied, "I ate yours yesterday."

137 - Letter Home

A UF freshman wrote a letter home:

Dear folks,

I feel miserable because I have to keep writing for money. I feel ashamed and unhappy. I have to ask for another hundred, but every cell in my body rebels. I beg on bended knee that you forgive me.

Your son,

Bubba

p.s. I felt so terrible I ran after the mailman who picked this up in the box at the corner. I wanted to take this letter and burn it. I prayed that I could get it back. But I was too late.

A few days later he received a letter from his father. It said, "Your prayers were answered. Your letter never came!"

138 - Writing Assignment

A Gator Sophomore was told to write a 100 word essay

He thought for a bit then started. 'I went out to call my cat in for the night, so I called 'kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty ...'

139 - Must Have Slept at a Holiday Inn

Gator #1: I was drinking at the bar last night, so I took a bus home.

Gator #2: So what?

Gator #1: That may not be a big deal to you, but I've never driven a bus before.

140 - A Shot of Whiskey

A Gator walks into a bar and orders a shot of whiskey then looks into his pocket.

He does this over and over again.

Finally, the bartender asks why he orders a shot of whiskey and afterwards look into his pocket.

The Gator responded, "I have a picture of my wife in there and when she starts to look good then I’ll go home."

141 – Gator Wino

The drunken Gator was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter.

A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, sir. You're clearly drunk"

The wasted Gator asked, "Ociffer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."

Obviously relieved, the Gator said, "That's good news - I thought I was a cripple."

142 – Gators on the Railroad Tracks

Two Gator drunks were walking upgrade between the railroad tracks.

One of them said, "This is the longest stairway I have ever been on."

To this, the other Gator replied, "It's not the stairs that bother me, it's the low banister."

143 – Thirteen . . . Thirteen . . . Thirteen!!!

A Gator walking on the outskirts of Gainesville goes past the state’s Home for the Hopelessly Insane (sometimes mistaken for his Alma Mater). He hears cheers from the inside: “Thirteen . . . Thirteen . . . Thirteen!!!”

Curious, he tries to find a way to learn what is causing this commotion.

He sees a hole in the solid twelve foot fence that surrounds the property and steps up to take a look through a knothole.

As he peaks inside he is squirted in the eye by a strong vinegar and lemon juice concoction. As he attempts to sooth his burning eye, he hears from inside: “Fourteen . . . Fourteen . . . Fourteen!!!”

144 – Socks

"Will you open this up so I can see how the socks feel?" he asked.

Reluctantly the tore open the package, and the Gator inspected the merchandise. He handed the package back to the clerk saying, "I'll take them."

So the clerk started to ring up the sale until the Gator interrupted, "Can I have another pack? This one's been opened."

145 – Sick Grandmother

Finally, the good-natured boss was compelled to call Gator Bubba into his office.

"You know I have noticed," he pointed out, "that every time there's a University of Florida home game at the Swamp, you have to take your grandmother to the doctor."

"You know you're right, sir," exclaimed Bubba. "I didn't think about that. You don't suppose she's faking, do you?"

146 – Gator Marriage Math

Bubba the Gator turned 60 and experienced a crisis of some sort that left him believing that he needed to get a divorce from his wife, who was also 60.

Shortly after the divorce was finalized they happened to meet at the local hog farm.

Bubba's former wife politely asked, "How are things with you?"

To which Bubba replied, "Great! I got me a 20 year old gal who just loves me to death. How 'bout you?"

Bubba's former wife replied, "Great! I got me a 20 year old guy who just loves me to death."

As they depart, Bubba's former wife says, "And by the way, 20 goes into 60 a lot more times than 60 goes into 20."

147 – Doctor's Advice

Bubba the Gator had turned middle-aged and he wasn't feeling well, so he went to the doctor for a check-up.

After a thorough examination, the doctor said, "Well, based on my examination, the best thing for you is to cut out all sweets and fatty foods, give up alcohol, and stop smoking."

Bubba thought about that for a few seconds and then replied, "Well, to be honest with you, Doc, I don't deserve the best. What's the second best?"

148 – Handling Gator Pick-Up Lines

Gator Pick-Up Line: Can I buy you a drink?
Come-Back: Actually, I'd rather have the money.

Gator Pick-Up Line: I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.
Come-Back: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.

Gator Pick-Up Line: Your face must turn a few heads.
Come-Back: And your face must turn a few stomachs.

Gator Pick-Up Line: Haven't I seen you some place before?
Come-Back: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Gator Pick-Up Line: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Come-Back: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

Gator Pick-Up Line: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Come-Back: Unfertilized.

Gator Pick-Up Line: I want to give myself to you.
Come-Back: Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.

Gator Pick-Up Line: Didn't we go on a date once? . . . or was it twice?
Come-Back: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.

149 – Bubba the Gator on the Sofa with His Wife Last Night

Bubba the Gator: Honey, you remind me of an onion.

Wife: Because I have so many layers to my personality?

Bubba the Gator: No . . .

Wife: Oh, Okay, something stupid like you'll cry when you slice me up?

Bubba the Gator: No . . .

Wife: Okay, okay, you'd prefer it if I was battered?

Bubba the Gator: No . . .

Wife: You either love me or hate me? I'm good in small doses? I can be overpowering? . . .

Bubba the Gator: No . . .

Wife: Oh, alright, why then?

Bubba the Gator: You smell like onion.

150 – What is a Gator?

A Gator is a person whose definition of eating out a Happy Meal at McDonald's is leaving the wife and kids at home.

When a Gator holds a car door open for his wife...
...it's either a new car or a new wife.

151 – It's In the Genes

There was a middle-aged, UF Alums couple who had two stunningly beautiful blonde teen-aged daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

After months of trying, the wife became pregnant and, sure enough, nine months later delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful Father Gator rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He went to his wife, Momma Gator, and said that there was no way he could be the father of that child.

"Look at our two beautiful daughters." Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?"

Momma Gator just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time."

152 – Good News - Bad News

The wife of Bubba the Gator walks in and says, "I've some good news and some bad news!"

"What's the good news?" asks Bubba.

"The air bag on your brand new Ford works fine!"

153 – Moving time

When Bubba the Gator was a kid, his parents moved a lot, but he always found them.

154 – Bad News

Bubba the Gator arrived home to find the police waiting for him.

"I'm sorry to tell you sir, but your wife is dead," said an officer.

"She went to the bakery, bought two pies, ate one and then dropped dead.

"What happened to the other pie?" Bubba asked.

155 – Priorities

After Bubba the Gator said he didn't want to go and see his mother-in-law in the hospital, his wife said he needed to sort out his priorities.

So Bubba filed for divorce, got drunk, and went to watch the UF football game.

156 – Insights

Bubba the Gator’s father was a man of rare insights and really keen on all the outdoor pursuits like hunting and fishing so Bubba will always remember the last words his father said to him before he died.

"Be careful where you're pointing that gun."

157 – Gators at Their Doctor’s Office

Bubba the Gator: "Doctor, please hurry. My son swallowed a razor-blade."
Doctor: "Don't panic, I'm coming immediately. Have you done anything yet?"
Bubba: "Yeah, I shaved with the electric razor."

Bubba the Gator: "Doctor, doctor, You've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking!"
Doctor: "Do you drink a lot?"
Bubba the Gator: "Not really - I spill most of it!"

Bubba the Gator walks into his doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.
“What's the matter with me?" Bubba asks the doctor.
The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."

158 – Gator Finds the Right Gal

However, one day he met a girl who was exactly the same as his mother in personality and looks (except a bit younger).

He took her home . . . and his dad didn't like her!

159 – Refrigerator Repairs

Bubba the Gator called the refrigerator repair service: "My refrigerator ain't working!"

"What kind is it?"

"It's a small one."

"Electric, gas or propane?"

"Propane."

"Ah! Then the problem is most likely vapor lock. You don't need a service call; just turn the refrigerator upside down for a few minutes to allow the lock to clear. Then put it back and all should be well"

Bubba makes a second call a few minutes later: "Why didn't you tell me to empty the fridge first!"

160 – Price of Gas

Bubba the Gator is barely listening to a discussion on rising costs but he perks up when the topic is “Ever increasing gas prices.”

"I can’t understand why all those people been complainin’ ‘bout gas prices,” said the Gator. “The price has not changed in years.”

“Zat right?” asks one of his fellow UF grads.

“Yup,” says Bubba, “When I go to the gas station, I put in $30 worth of gas. Always the same.”

161 – Old Goats

A group of University of Florida Alumni was traveling by tour bus through Holland.

As they stopped at a cheese farm, the guide explained that goat's milk was used in the cheese-making process.

Then the guide showed the group a hillside where many goats were grazing. These, the guide explained, were the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produced.

She then asked, "What do you do at the University of Florida with your old goats that aren't producing?"

No one knew, but one of the Gator alums had a wife who had graduated from FSU. "They send them on bus tours," she explained.

162 – Lucky Five

A 55-year old University of Florida alumni, who was born on May 5th, has been married 5 years, has 5 children, makes $55,555.55 a year, and whose lucky number is 5, receives a phone call from a friend. The friend informs his Gator buddy that a horse named Lucky 5 will be running in the fifth race at the local track that evening

Excitedly, the Gator withdraws 5,555.55 cash from his bank account, goes to the races and bets on Lucky 5.

Sure enough, the horse comes in fifth.

163 – Gator Silent Treatment

A University of Florida graduate and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.

That evening the Gator realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5 a.m. so he could be first at the unemployment office for his monthly check. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5 a.m."

The next morning the Gator woke up, only to discover it was 9 a.m., and that he had missed his chance!

Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't awakened him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. It said, "It's 5 a.m., wake up."

164 – Snow Condition Bravo

A Gator gave up on school after twice failing his required third-year course on Creative Finger Painting. So he joined the Army as a private and ended up at Fort Drum, New York.

But as an Army private, he was ecstatic to be one of very low-enlisted service members authorized to live in on-post family housing as part of a new Army test program. He wanted to follow all housing regulations to the letter, to make sure he would be allowed to stay. No more failures for this Gator.

During the first snowstorm of the year, he turned on the Tenth Mountain Division Command Information Channel and heard the following message:

"The National Weather Service has predicted three inches of snow. The post commander has instituted Snow-Condition Alpha, which means that all privately owned vehicles should be parked on the north or west sides of streets."

The former Gator hurried out of the house and quickly moved his car to the west side of the street. One week later, it started to snow again, so he turned on the Command Information Channel once more. The announcer said,

"The National Weather Service has predicted five inches of snow. The post commander has instituted Snow-Condition Bravo, which means that all privately owned vehicles should be parked on the south or east sides of streets."

The former Gator dashed out move his car to the east side of the street. A few days later, another storm hit. The former Gator turned on the Command Information Channel, but the storm had knocked out the cable.

Panicking, he asked his wife, "What should I do??????"

“Babe,” his wife replied, "Just leave the car in the garage!"

165 - Gator Haircut Strategy

A man and a little boy entered a Gainesville barbershop together.

After the man received the full treatment - shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, etc. - he placed the boy in the chair. "I'm going to buy an orange and blue tie to wear for the parade," he said. "I'll be back in a few minutes."

When the boy's haircut was completed and the man still hadn't returned, the barber said, "Looks like your daddy's forgotten all about you."

"That wasn't my daddy," said the boy. "He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, 'Come on, son, we're gonna get a free haircut!'"

166 - Improving the Football Team

Q: What happens when a football player can't make the FSU team and transfers to the UF football team?

A: Collectively, both teams get better.

167 - Naming the Kids

Three ladies, all UF grads, were discussing the names of their children.

One lady said, "I have eight boys and I named them all "George."

The second lady asks, "How does that work?"

"Great!" Says the first Gator Grad. "At supper time I just say, 'George, time for dinner' and they all come to the table."

At night I just say, 'George, time for bed' and they all go upstairs."

The third Gator Gal asks, "But what if you want just one of them to do something?"

"No problem. I just call him by his last name."

168 - Enlightening

This time he had many questions about the sun: How hot is the sun? How far away is the sun? What happens to the sun when it is nighttime?

In fact these questions bothered him so much that he laid in bed that night and could not sleep.

Thankfully it eventually dawned on him.

169 - Chinese Food

Three Gators get hungry and decide they want Chinese food.

Chinese food to go: $16.84.

Gas to go get it: $1.60.

Getting home and realizing they forgot one of the containers: Riceless!

170 - Health Warning

Breaking News:

The University of Florida football stadium (The Swamp) is under quarantine for "no-bowla" symptoms. The whole team is playing like diarrhea crap and will have no chance of post season play.

171 - Bus Home

A Gator was out at a bar in Gainesville, celebrating the weekend. At the end of the evening, he was totally wasted and decided to take a bus home.

He arrived home safe and warm, which surprised him because he had never driven a bus before.

172 - Gainesville Bank Robbery

A hooded armed robber bursts into the Bank of Gatorville and forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash.

On his way out the door with the loot, one brave customer grabs the robber's hood and pulls it off, revealing the robber's face.

The robber shoots the guy dead without hesitation!

He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him. He sees one of the tellers looking straight at him; the robber walks over and calmly shoots him dead.

Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor.

"Did anyone else see my face?" calls the robber.

There follows a tense minute of silence.

Then an elderly gentleman in a UF sweatshirt, looking down, tentatively raises his hand and says:

"I think my wife caught a glimpse."

173 - Gator Motto

Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?

174 - Gator Asserts Himself at Work

"I have to have a raise," the Gator said to his boss. "There are three other companies after me."

"Is that so?" asked the manager. "What other companies are after you?"

"The electric company, the telephone company, and the gas company."

175 - Gator at Work

The boss came early in the morning one day and found his new University of Florida employee kissing his secretary

He shouted at him, "Is this what I pay you for?"

The Gator replied: "No, sir, this I do free of charge."

Ed. Note: That must have been one desperate secretary.

176 - Books for College

A clueless University of Florida freshman is in the Gator campus bookstore.

He has already bought his textbook for General Math, but he sees a companion workbook called The Student Guide to General Math. He asks the store clerk about a book and the clerk responds, "This guide book will do half the job for you."

"Good," the Gator freshman replies. "I'll take two."

177 - Gator Applies for an Engineering Position

A University of Florida grad applied for an engineering position at a firm based in Gainesville. An FSU grad applied for the same job. Since both applicants had the same qualifications they were asked to take a test by the department manager. Upon completion of the test both men only missed one of the questions.

The manager went to the Gator and said.

• Manager: "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the Florida State guy the job."
  
• Gator: "And why would you be doing that? We both got nine questions correct. This being Gainesville and me being a UF grad … I should get the job!"
  
• Manager: "We made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed."
  
• Gator: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"
  
• Manager: "Simple, the Seminole put down on question #5, "I don't know."     You put down "Neither do I."

178 - Weekend Fun in Gainesville

Some Florida State University students got bored one weekend so they drove to Gainesville.

On the way they stopped outside of town at a farm and bought three medium size hogs, which thay put in the back of their pickup.

At UF, they let the three hogs loose in the middle of the campus.

Before they let them go, they painted numbers on the sides of the hogs. On the first hog they painted the number 1, on the second hog they painted the number 2, and on the third hog they painted the number 4.

UF school administrators spent most of the day looking for hog #3.

Ed. Note: We wonder how many UF females were accidently brought in.

179 - The Girl of His Dreams

A freshman at UF called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the girl of his dreams. Now what should he do?

His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your apartment for a home-cooked meal?"

The young Gator thought this was a great strategy, and a week later, the girl came to dinner.

His mother called the next day to see how things had gone.

"I was totally humiliated," he moaned. "She insisted on washing the dishes."

"What's wrong with that?" asked his mother.

"We hadn't started eating yet."

180 - Pretzel Charity

An unemployed University of Florida graduate sold pretzels on a street corner for 25 cents each.

Every day a young, very successful Florida State graduate would leave his office building at lunch time and, as he passed the pretzel stand, he would leave the Gator a quarter, but would never take a pretzel.

This went on for more than five years. The two of them never spoke.

One day as the Seminole passed the Gator’s pretzel stand and left his quarter as usual, the pretzel guy finally spoke to him.

"Sir, I appreciate your business. You are a good customer, but I have to tell you that the pretzel price has increased to 35 cents."

181 - Doctor vs. Mechanic

Sammy and Bubba went to high school together; they were good friends. After high school Sammy attended Florida State University and Bubba attended the University of Florida.

Sammy took a pre-med, did well, was accepted into the FSU College of Medicine, and became a doctor. Actually a famous surgeon.

Bubba, well, he had fun for six years and finally graduated after changing majors fours times. Years later Bubba the Gator was employed as a mechanic in downtown Gainesville - a respectible job.

They ran into each other in the parking lot of The Swamp just before the annual FSU-UF football game. Bubba was tail gating, but – needing money – he was also working on the car of a friend.

Bubba, in a loud voice all could hear, said argumentatively, "So mister fancy doctor, look at this work. I also take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish this baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get the big bucks, when you and me are doing basically the same work?"

Doctor Sam the Seminole, very embarrassed, said softly to Bubba, "Try doing your work with the engine running."

182 - Question Me This

Q:  What's the difference between a University of Florida sorority sister and a scarecrow?
A:  One lives in a field and is stuffed with hay. The other frightens birds and small animals.

Q:  Why do University of Florida students have TGIF on their shoes?
A:  Toes Go In First!

Q:  What’s the difference between the University of Florida and Cheerios?
A:  One belongs in a bowl. The other doesn't!

Q:  What do you say when you see a University of Florida grad in a suit?
A:  Will the defendant please rise!

Q:  Why do they throw out a sack of manure at University of Florida weddings?
A:  To keep the flies off the bride.

Q:  How do you compliment a University of Florida fan?
A:  Nice tooth.

Q:  What do you call a good looking girl on the University of Florida campus?
A:  Visitor.

Q:  What do you call a genius at the University of Florida?
A:  Visitor.

183 - UF Mental Test

To try to motivate his team, University of Florida football coach brought in a noted psychiatrist. Since a lot of weird stuff goes on around the UF campus, someone asked, "Would you mind telling us, Doctor," he asked, "how you detect a mental problem in somebody who appears completely normal?"

"Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask a simple question which everyone should answer with no trouble. If there is hesitation, that is a pretty clear signal."

"What sort of question?" "Well, you might ask, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?'"

There was silence from the team. Finally one of ther players said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? We're not too good with history."

184 - Personal Hygiene for Gators

• Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a hand-me-down item.
• If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
• While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
• Once every month take the kids out to the back yard so Pa can hose them down.
• Remember, the cleanest kid goes in the tub first.

185 - First Job

A young man hired by a supermarket reports for his first day of work. The manager greets him with a warm handshake and a smile, gives him a broom, and says, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store."

"But I'm a graduate of the University of Florida," the young man replies indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," says the manager. "Here, give me the broom -- I'll show you how."

186 - Doing Anything to Pass

A UF student is going to summer school to make up a class. It is at a Community College and the credits will transfer back to UF.

She goes to her young professor's offices. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly. "I can't fail this class again. I would do anything to pass this exam." She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean..." she whispers, "...I would do...anything."

He returns her gaze. "Anything?"

"Anything."

His voice softens. "Anything???"

"Absolutely anything."

His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you . . . study?"

187 - Why Must We Learn This?

A UF Pre-Med student found that he needed a Physics course to graduate. Since it was just one course and he lived near Tallahassee, he got permission to take the course at FSU. One day the professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept. The UF pre-med student rudely interrupted to ask, "Why do we have to learn this pointless information"

"To save lives." the professor responded quickly and continued the lecture.

A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. "So how does physics save lives?" he persisted.

"It keeps the ignoramuses like you out of medical school," replied the professor.

188 - Annual Physical

The UF Grad looked a little worried when the doctor came in to administer his annual physical, so the first thing the doctor did was to ask whether anything was troubling him.

"Well, to tell the truth, Doc, yes," answered the Gator. "You see, I seem to be getting forgetful. No, it's actually worse than that. I can never remember where I park my car, where I'm going, or what it is I'm going to do once I get there -- if I get there. So, I really need your help. What can I do? What do you think? What do you think?"

The doctor mused for a moment, then answered in his kindest tones, "I think you need to pay me in advance."

189 - Gator at the Pizza Parlor

The pizza parlor was about ready to box up the small pizza that the University of Florida student had order “to go.”

The man getting ready to cut the pizza asked the Gator, “Would you like it cut into 4 pieces or 6 pieces?”

The Gator thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces."

190 - Gator Parachuting

The Sports Parachute Club of Ocala was huddled up for a pre-jump briefing. They were performing for a charity event.

The instructor made an important point. "Start preparing for landing when you're at 300 feet."

One new member, a recent graduate of the University of Florida, asked, "How do you know when you're at 300 feet"?

"A good question. At 300 feet, you can recognize the faces of people on the ground."

The Gator thought about this for a moment before saying, "What happens if there's no one there I know"?

191 - Gator Chat

Two good ol' boy Gator grads in a Gainesville trailer park were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer after getting off of work at their local pizza parlor.

After a while the first guy says to the second, “If'n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday and make love to your wife while you was off huntin' and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?”

The second guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes while thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about kin, but it would make us even."

192 - Give a Man a Fish

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.

Teach a man to fish and he’ll have food for life.

Teach a University of Florida Gator to fish and he will go out and buy expensive fishing equipment, stupid looking clothes, a sports utility vehicle, travel 1000 miles to the "hottest" fishing spot, and stand waist deep in cold water just so he can outsmart a fish. And he’ll most likely finds the fish is smarter. (Average cost per fish: $395.68)

193 - The Accident

"How come you're late?" asks the McDonalds Shift Leader as his new hire, a Florida Gator, walked in the door.

"It was awful," the Gator explained. "I was walking here to work and there was this terrible accident. A man was lying in the middle of the street; he was thrown from his car. His leg was broken, his skull was fractured, and there was blood everywhere. Thank goodness I took that first-aid course at the University of Florida; all my training came back to me in a minute."

"What did you do?" asks the Shift Leader.

"I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting!"

194 - No More Dumb Gator Jokes

A Gator was sick and tired of hearing jokes about being dumb. She decided to wear an FSU sweatshirt and set out to prove to the world just how wrong they were about Gators.

She drove out of Gainesville and into the countryside where there were many sheep farms (as well as hog farms).

She spotted a sheep farmer, stopped her car and said, "If I can tell you exactly how many sheep are in your field, will you give me a sheep?"

He said "Sure!" She counted and said "131."

The farmer said, "That's right! Go ahead and get a sheep." The Gator went and got her sheep.

Then, the farmer said, "If I tell you where you actually went to school, can I have it back?"

And she said, "Yes."

"University of Florida. Now give me back my dog."

195 - Say Something Positive

A Gator and his wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full length mirror taking a hard look at herself.

"You know, dear," she says, "I look in the mirror and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, every thing else is either sagging or bloated. I've got fat legs, and my arms are all flabby."

She turns to her husband and says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself."

The Gator studies hard for a moment thinking about it and then says in a soft, thoughtful voice, "Well, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."

Services for the husband will be held Saturday morning at 10:30 a.m. at the Gainesville Memorial Chapel. Female friends of the family are invited.

196 - Harmonica

A Gainesville firm relocates to Mexico to have its work done for low, low wages. A UF grad employed by the company figures that he can't do better on the money so he moves south with the firm on a one year contract.

He writes to his wife in the States to please send him a harmonica to occupy his free time and keep his mind off of the local women. The wife complies and sends the best one she can find, along with several dozen lesson and music books.

After 12 months away and finally back home, he rushes to their house and through the front door. "Oh darling" he gushes, "Come here... let me look at you... let me hold you ! Let's have a fine dinner out, then make love all night. I've missed your lovin' so much !"

The wife, keeping her distance, says, "All in good time lover. First, let's hear you play that harmonica."

197 - The Right Woman

Sitting in the bar Cletus, a UF grad, asked his 40-year-old former Gator buddy Bubba, "How come you aren't married?"

Bubba: "I haven't found the right woman yet."

Cletus: "So what are you looking for?"

Bubba: "Oh she's got to be real pretty, - a good cook and house-keeper, and she's got to know how to handle money, a really nice and pleasant personality is a must - and money, she's got to have money...and a home, a nice big house, is what she has to have."

Cletus: "A woman like that would be crazy to marry YOU."

Bubba: "Oh, it’s okay if she's crazy."

198 - Cop Stops Gator

A Gainesville police officer pulls over this guy who had been weaving in and out of the lanes.

He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."

The Gator says, "Sorry officer I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that I'll have a really bad asthma attack."

"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."

"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."

"Well, then we need a urine sample."

"I'm sorry officer I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that I'll get really low blood sugar."

"Alright then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."

"I can't do that, officer."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm too drunk to do that!"

199 - Gator Lunch

A University of Georgia grad, a University of Miami grad, and a University of Florida grad were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Georgia grad said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."

The Miami grad opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The Gator grad opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day, the Georgia Bulldog opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.

The Miami Hurricane opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.

The Gator guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the University of Georgia grad's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"

The University of Miami grad‘s wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the University of Florida grad's wife. The Gator's wife said, "Don't look at me. The idiot made his own lunch."

200 - The K9 Patrol

Returning home from school a Gator was shocked to find his house ransacked and burgled. He telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.

The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels and a Gainesville Police Department Canine (K9) unit patrolling nearby was the first on the scene.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash the Gator ran out onto the porch, clapped a hand to his head and moaned, 'I come home from work to find all my possessions stolen, I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send a blind policeman!'

201 - Banking on a Gator

A recent Gator graduate was newly appointed as a clerk in a bank. The manager of that branch was fond of literature and books. He asked the clerk,"Do you know William Shakespeare?"

The Gator replied,"No. In which branch is he working?"

Now the manager only asks her about checks and drafts.

202 - Drunk Driving

Bubba the Gator Grad was having a beer with his buddies at a tavern just across the street from Unemployment Office. He decided to share with them a personal experience about drinking and driving. He thought this might might save them the cost and embarrassment of being arrested for DUI!! It saved him!!

He explained to them about people who have been known to have unexpected brushes with the authorities from time to time, often on the way home after a "social session" with fellow Gator buddies.

Well," he said, "two days ago, it happened to me. It turned out he was at a Christmas Party and had more than several bottles coupled with a few whiskey shooters." Although relaxed, he still had the common sense to know he was slightly over the limit.

That's when he did something he had never done before - He took a taxi home!

Sure enough on the way home there was a police roadblock, but since it was a taxi they waved it past and he arrived home safely without incident. These roadblocks can be anywhere and he realized how lucky he was to have chosen to take a taxi!!

This was a real surprise to him, because he had never driven a taxi before. He didn't know where he got it, and now that it's in his garage he doesn't know what to do with it.

So, anyway, if you want to borrow it give him a call.

Bubba says, "Be safe out there!"

203 - Gator Shades of Grey

After nearly 40 years of marriage, Bubba the Gator-Grad and his wife were lying in bed.

Suddenly the wife felt Bubba begin to massage her in ways he hadn't done in quite some time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back . . . He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach . . . .He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf . . . . Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg . . . . He continued in the same manner on her right side . . . . then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent . . . .

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, “Honey, that was wonderful . . . . Why did you stop?”

To which he responded . . . . “I found the remote.”

204 - Did you hear . . . ?

Did you hear about the Gator who . . .
  . . . took a new scarf back to store.....
            It was too tight.
  . . . was fired from a pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....
            Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won't fit in printer!!!
  . . . tried to make Kool-Aid.....but had bad instructions.....
            8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!
  . . . tried to go water skiing.......
            But couldn't find a lake with a slope.
  . . . hated M & M's.....
            They are so hard to peel.
  . . . baked the Thanksgiving turkey for 7 1/2 days ...
            Instructions said bake 1 hour per pound and she weighed 180!!

205 - Company Examination

A company was hiring one new staff member. The written exam had one question:

You are driving your car in a wild stormy night. You pass by a bus station, and you see three people waiting for the bus: an old lady who looks as if she is about to die, a doctor who had once saved your life, and a lady you have been dreaming to be with. You can only take one passenger in your car. Which one will you choose? Please explain your answer.

There were three Gators and one Florida State Seminole who wanted that one job. The first Gator wrote: I will pick up the old lady. She is going to die, and thus I should save her first.

The second Gator wrote: I will take the doctor, because he once saved your life. This will be the perfect chance to pay him back.

The third Gator wrote: The lady. I just can’t pass up the chance to find my perfect love.

The Florida State Seminole was hired. What did he say? He simply answered: "Give the car key to the doctor. Let him take the old lady to the hospital. I will stay and wait for the bus with the person of my dreams."

206 - Police Recruit Examination

The Gainesville Police Department was hiring. A University of Florida graduate was interviewed as part of the employmenmt process.

The Gator was asked, "What would you do if you had to arrest your mother?"

The Gator replied, "Call for backup."

207 - Gainesville Traffic Stop

A Gator driving a '73 Ford Pinto is weaving across two lanes of traffic, and is stopped by the police.

The cop walks up to the Gator's window and asks, "You drinkin'?"

The Gator replies, "Well, that depends. You buyin'?"

208 - World's Greatest Minds

A Georgia Tech grad, a University of Florida grad, and a Boy Scout are in a single engine plane. The pilot announces from the cockpit that there is trouble with the engine and they are about to crash. However, there are only three parachutes.

The Georgia Tech grad grabs a parachute and yells as he jumps, “The world needs great engineers!”

The UF grad grabs a parachute and yells as he jumps, “UF grads provide the world’s greatest minds!”

The pilot turns to the Boy Scout and says, “Take the last parachute; you have a long life ahead of you.”

The Boy Scout replies, “Actually, we each have a parachute because one of the world’s greatest minds just jumped with my back pack.”

209 - Living on the Edge

Two University of Florida truck drivers are barreling along when they come up to an overpass. A sign says, "Clearance: 11'2"."

So they get out, measure their truck, and realize that it's 11'6".

So the first Gator looks at the second Gator and says, "I don't see any cops around....let's go for it!"

210 - Dog Food Diet

A fellow was traveling north on I-75 near Gainesville when he realized he needed to make a stop for gas.

After refueling his vehicle, he saw a nearby Walmart and decided it would be convenient to get some dog food for his dog .

As he was standing in the check-out line, a number of Gators, evidenced by their UF tee shirts, became interested in his purchase and one asked if he had a dog. (Why else would he be buying dog food, RIGHT???)

So on impulse, he told them that no, he didn't have a dog, but that he was starting the Dog Food Diet again, and that he probably shouldn't because he ended up in the hospital last time; though he'd lost 50 pounds before he awakened in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of his orifices and IVs in both arms.

He told them that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and all one needs to do is load one's pockets with dog food nuggets and simply eat one or two every time one feels hungry. He added that the food is nutritionally complete, so it works well, and he was going to try it again. (We have to mention here that all of the Gator buddies in line were now enthralled with the story.)

Horrified, the one Gator asked the man if he ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned him. He told them no, he ended up in the ICU when he stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's butt and a car hit him.

All of the Gators, who had been listening intentionally, expressed their condolences as they headed back towards the pet food section.

211 - Gator Gal in California

Gator Gal was out in California looking for work. She was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.

The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"

"Sure," answered Gator Gal, "do you need a lift?"

"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back that have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble."

"I'd be happy to," said Gator Gal.

So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of Gator Gal's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts, and off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified! There was Gator Gal walking down the street, holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the UF alum. "What are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo!"

"Yes, I know you did," said Gator Gal, "but we had money left over so now we're going to Sea World."

212 - Bird Doings

Gator Guy and Gator Gal are taking a stroll across campus at the University of Florida when a bird flies overhead and relieves itself on Gator Gal's head.

"Yech!" cries Gator Gal. "Quick, get some toilet tissue."

"What for?" Gator Guy asks. "He must be half-a-mile away by now."

213 - Gun Control

A Gator walked into a crowded Gaimesville bar, waving his unholstered pistol and yelled, "I have a 45 caliber Colt 1911 with a seven round magazine plus one in the chamber and I want to know who's been fooling around with my wife."

A voice from the back of the room called out, "You need more ammo!”

214 - An Alphabet Wife

After being married for 48 years, and going through the many ups and downs of running their Gainesville pig farm, a wife asks her Gator Alum husband to describe her.

He looks at her for a while, and then says, "You’re an alphabet wife... A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

She asks, "What the heck does that mean?"

He says, “Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Fabulous, Gorgeous, and Hot."

She smiles happily. "Oh, that's so lovely, but what about I, J, K?"

He says, "I'm Just Kidding!"

The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctors at Shands are fairly optimistic that most of his broken bones will mend without complication.

215 - Romantic Texting

A University of Florida wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text:
      If you’re sleeping, send me your dreams.
      If you’re laughing, sent me your smile.
      If you are eating, sent me a bite.
      If you’re drinking, sent me a sip.
      If you’re crying, send me your tears.
      I Love You!”
Her Gator alum husband, a business grad and typically nonromantic, replied, “I am on the toilet. Please advise.”

216 - An Elephant Tale

In 1997, Bubba McFarkland, a seventh year junior at the University of Florida, took a "break from his studies" to travel to Kenya.

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with its right front foot raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Bubba approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephant’s foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Bubba worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Bubba stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away. Bubba never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Bubba was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Bubba and his son Junior were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Bubba, lifted its right front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1997, Bubba could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Bubba summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Bubba legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly and spraying Bubba's brain matter all over stunned onlookers.

Probably wasn't the same dadgum elephant.

What in the word made any of you think that a story with a Gator in it would have a happy ending?

Go ‘Noles!!!

217 - Gator Bus Ride

A UF Grad on his way to pick up his unemployment check was riding on a full bus minding his own business when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breast-feed her baby.

The baby wouldn't take it so she said, "Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I'll have to give it to this nice man next to us."

Five minutes later the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here."

A few minutes later the anxious Gator blurted out, "Come on kid. Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago!"

218 - 'Nole in a Bar

A Gator walks into an Ocala bar and is about to order a drink, when he sees a guy close by wearing a Florida State University sweater, and having a beer in front of him. He thinks, Ocala is so near Gainesville that everyone should know this is Gator Country.

So, he shouts over to the bartender so loudly that everyone can hear, "Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for the Seminole." With that the Gator puts money from his recently cashed unemployment check up on the bar.

Soon after the drinks have been handed out, the Seminole gives him a big smile, waves at him then says, “Thank you!” in an equally loud voice.

This infuriates the Gator.

He once again he puts more money on the bar and loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Seminole. As before, this does not seem to bother the Seminole who continues to smile, and again yells, "Thank you!"

Infuriated, the Gator for the third time puts more money on the bar and in his loudest voice ever orders drinks for everyone except the Seminole.

As before, this doesn't seem to bother the Seminole. He continues to smile, and again yells, "Thank you!"

The Gator asks the bartender, "What the heck is the matter with that 'Nole? I have ordered three rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar but him, and all the silly jerk does, is smile and thanks me. Is he nuts?"

"Nope," replies the bartender, "He owns the place."

219 - Mensa Minds

The monthly meeting of the University of Florida Mensa Club was being held at a local restaurant.

• Note 1: Mensa, the high IQ society, is open to persons who have attained a score within the upper two percent of the general population. (In general, this is for people with an IQ of 140 or higher.)

• Note 2: Since no one at UF qualified to join Mensa, they got a waiver from the international organization that allowed UF Club membership for anyone whose IQ was more that his or her weight. As one might expect, the Gator Chapter consists of 12 very skinny members.

Back to the restaurant: When the Gator Mensa Club members sat down, one of them discovered that their salt shaker contained pepper, and their pepper shaker was full of salt.

How could they swap the contents of the two bottles without spilling any, and using only the implements at hand? Clearly, this was a job for Mensa minds.

The group debated the problem and presented ideas and finally came up with a brilliant solution involving a napkin, a straw, and an empty saucer.

They called the waitress over ready to dazzle her with their solution. "Ma'am," they said, "we couldn't help but notice that the pepper shaker contains salt and the salt shaker has pepper."

But before they could finish, the waitress interrupted: " Oh, sorry about that." She leaned over the table, unscrewed the caps of both bottles and switched them.

There was dead silence at the Mensa table.

Just remember this when you see anyone with a Gators Tee Shirt.

220 - Bubba the Amorous Gator

In Gator Country housework is a woman’s job, but one evening, Janice arrived home from work to find the children bathed and one load of laundry in the washer and another in the dryer. Dinner was on the stove and the table set. She was astonished!

It turns out that her Gator husband Bubba had read an article that said, “Wives who work full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired at night to be … shall we say … amorous and romantic.”

The evening went very well. The next day, Janice told her Red Hat friends all about it. “We had a great dinner. Bubba even cleaned up the kitchen. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put it away. I really enjoyed the evening.”

“But what about afterward?” asked her friends.

“Oh, that .......... Bubba was too tired.”

221 - When It’s Raining in Sweden

Bubba Gator to his Gator Buddy: I heard that when it’s raining in Sweden you have to drive with your lights on.

Gator Buddy (as he has his hand on the vehicle light switch): Okay, but how will we know if it’s raining in Sweden?

222 - Getting Rid of the Fridge

A Gator bought a new fridge for his trailer on the outskirts of Gainesville.

To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: 'Free to good home. You want it, you take it.'

For three days the fridge sits there without anyone looking twice.

He eventually decides that Gainesville people are too mistrustful of this deal.

So he changes the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale $50.'

The next day it is gone - someone has stolen it!

223 - Traffic Camera

A Gator is driving in Ocala when he sees the flash of a traffic camera. He figures that his picture has been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knows that he was not speeding...

Just to be sure, he drives around the block and passes the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashes.

Now he begins to think that this is quite funny, so he drives even slower as he passes the area again, but the traffic camera again flashes.

He tries a fourth time with the same result...

He does this a fifth time and is now really laughing, and he is waving when the camera flashes as he rolls past, this time at a snail's pace...

Two weeks later, he gets five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt.

224 - Solar Power

Overheard conversation at the Student Union at the University of Florida:

One student telling another about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach.

She drove down in a convertible, but said she 'didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving.'

225 - Ole Bubba from Gainesville

Bubba and Billy Joe, University of Florida grads, were out looking for employment. They were walking along in downtown Ocala, job searching and window shopping. They see a sign on a store which reads, “Suits $5.99 each, shirts $1.99 each, trousers $2.49 each.”

Bubba says to his pal, “Billy Joe, Look here! We could buy a whole gob of these, take ‘em back to Gainesville, sell ‘em and make a fortune. Just let me do the talkin’, ‘cause you might slip up and let them know we is Gators from right up the road, and not wanna sell that stuff to us.”

“Now, I’ll talk in my best northern accent so’s they don’t know we is from ‘round here.”

They go in and Bubba says with his best fake northern accent, “I’ll take 50 of them suits at $5.99, 100 of them there shirts at $1.99, and 50 pairs of them there trousers at $2.39. I’ll back up my pickup and.....”

The owner of the shop interrupts, “Ya’ll are Gators from just north of here, ain’t ya?”

“Well...yeah,” says a surprised Bubba. “How come ya’ll knowed that?”

“Because this is a Dry-Cleaners.”

226 - Alligator Warning

The University of Florida Student Activities Office is advising student hikers, hunters, fishers, and golfers to take extra precautions and keep alert for alligators while pursuing outdoor activities.

They advise students to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert but not startle the alligators unexpectedly. They also advise the carrying of pepper spray in case of an encounter with an alligator.

The Office also notes it is also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of alligator activity. Students should recognize the difference between small young alligator and large adult alligator droppings. Young alligator droppings are smaller and contain fish bones and possibly bird feathers. Adult alligator' droppings have little bells in them, smell like pepper spray, and have embedded shreds of orange and blue clothing.

227 - Top Ten University of Florida Inventions

10.  Black Highlighter
  9.  Braille Driver's Manual
  8.  Clear Correction Fluid
  7.  Fake Rhinestones
  6.  Inflatable Dart Board
  5.  Mesh Umbrella
  4.  Motorcycle Air Conditioner
  3.  Sugar-Coated Toothpaste
  2.  Super-Glue Post-it Notes


AND THE NUMBER ONE GATOR INVENTION?
  1.  The system that allows you to report power failures via the Internet

228 - It's Not Rocket Science

A Purdue University “Boilermaker“ and a University of Florida “Gator“ were discussing the relative merits of their educational institutions.

The Purdue Boilermaker noted that the first man on the moon, Neil Armstrong, was a Purdue graduate.

The UF Gator, not to be outdone, said, “Yeah, but the University of Florida is going to be the first to put a man on the sun.”

The Boilermaker looked at the Gator, shook his head, and said, “You can’t land on the sun, you’ll burn up!”

The Gator replied, “We’re not that stupid; we’re going at night!”

229 - Helping the Wife

A University of Florida graduate walked into a bar and orders martini after martini, each time removing the olive and placing it in a jar.

When the jar is filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Gator starts to leave.

"S'cuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over what had been done. "What was that all about?"

"Nothing," said the Gator, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."

230 - What a Coincidence

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

"Why of course," comes the reply.

The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Florida," replies the second man.

The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Florida too! Let's have another round to Florida."

"Of course," replies the second man. Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Florida are you from?"

"Gainesville," comes the reply.

"I can't believe it," says the first man. "l'm from Gainesville too! Let's have another drink to Gainesville."

"Of course," replies the second man. Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"

"University of Florida," replies the second man. "I graduated in '86."

"This is unbelievable!" the first man says. "I went to the University of Florida and I graduated in '86, too!"

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender.

"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The Bartholomew twins are drunk again."

231 - Medical Technology

A University of Florida grad comes to the hospital to visit a friend. He has not been in a hospital for several years and feels uneasy, not knowing about all the new technology.

A technician follows him onto the elevator, wheeling a large, intimidating looking machine with tubes and wires and dials.

"Boy, would I hate to be hooked up to that thing," the Gator says.

"So would I," replies the technician. "It's a floor-cleaning machine."

232 - Magna Carta

A tour bus load full of noisy Gator Alumni Club tourists arrives at Runnymede, England.

They gather around the guide who says, "This is the spot where the rebel barons forced King John to sign the Magna Carta."

Bubba Gator pushes his way to the front of the crowd and asks, "When did that happen?"

"1215," answers the guide.

The Gator looks at his watch and says, "Shoot! Just missed it by a half hour!"

233 - Lost Car Keys!

Gator Gal checks her pockets for her car keys. Suddenly she realizes she must have left them in the car. Frantically, she heads for the parking lot. Her husband, Bubba Gator, has scolded her many times for leaving her keys in the car's ignition because he’s afraid that the car could be stolen. As Gator Gal looks around the parking lot, she realizes he was right. The parking lot is empty. She immediately calls the Gainesville police. She gives them her location, confesses that she has left her keys in the car, and that it has been stolen.

Then she makes the most difficult call of all to her husband: "I left my keys in the car and it's been stolen."

There is a moment of silence. She thinks the call has been disconnected, but then she hears his voice. "Are you kidding me?" he barks, "I dropped you off!"

Now it is her turn to be silent. Embarrassed, she says, "Well, come and get me."

He retorts, "I will, as soon as I convince this cop that I didn't steal your car!"

234 - Pearly Gates

One day, an FSU Seminole, a UM ‘Cane, and a UF Gator wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.

St. Peter addressed the ‘Nole and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into an iceberg? They made a famous movie about it."

The ‘Nole answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate.

St. Peter turned to the ‘Cane and decided to make the question a little harder, "How many people died on that ship?"

Fortunately for him, the ‘Cane had just seen the movie on TV and answered, "About 1,500."

"That's right! You may enter."

St. Peter then turned to the Gator. "Name them."

235 - A ‘Nole and a Gator in the Barbershop

An FSU Seminole and a UF Gator ended up in the same barber shop.

Each being worked on by a different barber, not a word is spoken.

The barbers are even afraid to start a conversation, for fear it will turn to school rivalries.

As the barbers finish their shaves, the one who has the Gator in his chair reaches for the aftershave.

The Gator is quick to stop him saying, “No thanks, my wife will smell that and think I’ve been in a House of Ill Repute all day.”

The second barber turns to the ‘Nole and says, “How about you, sir?”

The ‘Nole replies, “Go ahead. My wife doesn’t know what the inside of a House of Ill Repute smells like.”

236 - Gator Gal at the Taxidermy Shop.

Gator Gal makes her first visit to a taxidermy shop.

She is amazed at all the things that she sees mounted on the walls: heads of lions, tigers, deer, buffalo ...

She just walks around, mesmerized by all the displays.

Finally she has to depart, but as she is leaving she sees this rather hideous pig head which she loves and just has to have.

She calls over the store manager and asks what would be the cost of the pig head.

The manager explains that he cannot sell it to her.

"Why?* she wants to know.

" ... because you are looking into a mirror."

237 - UF Facilities Crew

A salesman has been at the University of Florida selling crying towels as the Gators have been again failing at most of their sports activities. He has pulled a cola from his small cooler and is standing by his car drinking it before he gets back on the road. He sees a nearby UF Facilities truck and a couple of men in orange shirts working along the roadside. One man digs a hole two or three feet deep and then moves on. The other man comes along behind and fills in the hole. So while one is digging a new hole, the other is about 25 feet behind filling in the old hole. The men work right past the salesman with the soft drink and continue on down the road.

"I can't stand this," says the man tossing the can in a trash container and heading down the road toward the men.

"Hold it, hold it," he says to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on here with this digging?"

"Well, we are working for Facilities," one of the men says.

"But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the university's and the state's money?"

"You don't understand, mister," one of the men says, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. "Normally there's three of us - me, Rodney and Bubba. I dig the hole, Rodney sticks in the tree and Bubba here puts the dirt back. Now just because Rodney's sick, that don't mean that Bubba and me can't work."

238 - Fishing Buddies Travel to Gainesville

Four guys decide to spend the weekend at a fishing camp on a lake just outside Gainesville. They get there late Friday night and are up very early Saturday. After about eight rather successful hours they are ready for some relaxation, an early dinner, some sleep, and - hopefully - another good day on the lake Sunday. As they return to their camp they see a tavern right on the property. Outside is a sign that says, "Old Timer's Bar" "ALL DRINKS -- 10 CENTS". They look at each other, then go in.

The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you, what'll it be, Gentlemen?"

There seems to be a fully stocked bar, so the men all ask for a whiskey on the rocks. In short order, the bartender serves up four iced whiskeys - and says, "That'll be 10 cents each, please."

They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round.

Again, four excellent whiskies are produced with the bartender again saying, "That's 40 more cents, please."

They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity is more than they can stand. They've each had two whiskeys and so far they've spent less than a dollar.

Finally one of the men can't stand it any longer and asks the bartender "How can you afford to serve whiskies as good as these for a dime a piece?"

"Here's my story. I'm a retired tailor from Brooklyn, and I always wanted to own a bar down by the water. Last year I hit the lottery for $25 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime whether it's wine, liquor, beer or whatever. They are all the same."

"Wow. That's quite a story," says one of the men.

The four of them are sipping at their whiskies and can't help but notice three other people at the end of the bar who don't have a drink in front of them, and haven't ordered anything the whole time they were there.

One man gestures at the three at the end of the bar without drinks and asks the owner/bartender, "What's with them?"

The bartender says, "They're old timers from the University of Florida; they're waiting for happy hour."

239 - Gator Facebook Post

Gator Facebook Post:

I need everyone to wish me luck.
I have a meeting at the bank later today and if all goes well I will be out of debt.
I am so excited I can hardly put on my ski mask.

240 - Gator at the Pool

Gator Bubba is telling his buddies:

"I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.
The Lifeguard shouted at me so loud I nearly fell in."

241 - Dancin' on the Table

Gator Bubba goes to his local Gainesvlle hangout for a few beers.

He sees a very BIG University of Florida Cheerleader dancing on a table.

He says, "Good legs!"

The cheerleader giggles and says, "Do you really think so?

In a moment of very rare comprehension, Gator Bubba decides not to tell her he spoke thinking that most tables would have collapsed by now.

242 - Bubba the Gator Golfer

Gator Bubba takes up golf. It looks easy.

Six years later he has still not broken 120 and his buddies have two things to say about his game.

• The thing about Bubba is that one day he'll go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps, miss every green, and three putt all the greens once he is finally on them. The next day he'll go out and for no reason really stink!
• Bubba's best shots are the practice swing and the 'gimme' putt.

243 - Bubba and His Wife

The wife of Bubba the Gator asks him to take her to a restaurant where they make your food right in front of you.
So he takes her to Subway.

Bubba the Gator's Therapist: Your wife says you never buy her flowers.
Bubba: To be honest, I never knew that she sold flowers.

Bubba is in bed with his wife.
He says, "Isn't it true that I'm the only one you've ever loved?"
His wife thinks for a bit and then says, "I guess you're right. I've loved some 7's and 8's and 9's but you're the only 1."

Bubba the Gator finally gets to the point where he can draw Social Security so he retires.
His wife is asked how things are going? “Terrible,” she says, “Twice as much husband on half as much pay.”

Bubba and his wife have been married for a number of years.
Bubba’s wife says him one day, “Why don’t you get some pills that would maybe help get you up to some action in the bedroom again?"
So Bubba goes out and buys his wife some diet pills.
Apparently not what she meant.

Bubba’s wife tells him to go out and get something that will make her look sexy.
So Bubba goes out and gets a large bottle of whiskey and returns home very drunk.

244 - Gator Party Fun

Bubba the Gator is struggling at UF. Currently he is a fifth year sophomore, and it finally dawns on him that he needs to get his act together to finish his studies in fingerpainting.

So he rents an apartment not far from campus in the quietest area of Gainesville he can find. His only activities become going to class and getting back to his quiet apartment to study. He even finds a way to get loaned more money so he can have food delivered to his apartment. Mostly it's total peace and quiet. After a full semester of almost total isolation, Bubba is surprised when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there's a big, bearded, tattooed man in a ragged and sleeveless UF sweatshirt standing there.

“Name's Joe Bob ...Your neighbor from across the way ... Having a birthday party Friday ... Thought you might like to come. About 5 ...”

“Great,” says Bubba, “after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you.”

As Joe Bob is leaving, he stops. “Gotta warn you ... There's gonna be some drinkin'.”

“Not a problem ... after five years at the University of Florida, I can drink with the best of ‘em.”

Again, as he starts to leave, Joe Bob stops. “More'n likely gonna be some fightin' too.”

Bubba says, “Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again.”

Once again Joe Bob turns from the door. “I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too.”

“Now that's really not a problem,” says Bubba. “I've been all alone for a full semester! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I bring?”

Joe Bob stops in the door again and says, “Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us.”

245 - Bicycle Spills

Bubba the Gator and his Gator buddies are sitting in the local Gainesville tavern having a few “brews” since their unemployment checks came in the day before.

Gator Joe Bob sees the bruises and bandages all over Bubba and asks, “What happened to you, bro’?”

Bubba replies, “Well, I went to the liquor store yesterday afternoon on my bicycle, bought a bottle of Jack Daniels and put it in the bicycle basket. As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break. So I drank all the Jack Daniels before I cycled home.”

“It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off my bicycle seven times on the way home.”

246 - And They say Blondes Are Dumb . . .

One day a housework-challenged Gator-Grad husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife, “What setting do I use on the washing machine?”

“It depends,” she replied. “What does it say on your sweatshirt?”

He yelled back, “University of Florida.”

This explains a lot of things.

247 - Bubba has Issues

Bubba the Gator's wife has told him he has severe anger issues and a strong sense of apathy.

At first, Bubba was furious, but then he thougnt, "Eh, so what?"

248 - Bubba has Anger Issues

Bubba the Gator is at the Employment Office with his buddies; all waiting for their unemployment checks. They are talking about all kinds of things.

Bubba points out that he has been having some anger issues, and asks if anyone knows how to handle them.

One of his buddies says that he heard that a good way to let go of anger is to write letters to people you hate and then to burn them.

Bubba says that sounds like a good idea and something he'll try.

Two weeks later he is back with his buddies waiting for their next checks. His buddies want to know how things are going with his anger management.

Bubba replies, "It really helps a lot. Now I just need to figure out what to do with all these letters."

249 - Bubba has More Anger Issues

Did you hear about Bubba the Gator who got so mad at his roommate that he took the lightbulb out of the bathroom and left the plunger in the toilet?

250 - Bubba the Gator's Friday

It was Bubba the Gator’s normal every-other-Friday activity: he slept in late, finally got dressed in the early afternoon, ate the lunch that his wife fixed him, and watched the sports update on his TV. Then he drove to the unemployment office to collect his check.

Afterwards he hit some balls at the golf driving range and then went down to his favorite Gainesville bar where he drank and swapped stories with his buddies. Finally back home around 7 PM he was sitting on the couch waiting for his dinner when his wife called from the upstairs bedroom.

She called down, "Have you ever had really sharp pains shooting through your body like someone has a voodoo doll with your name on it and is sticking pins in it?"

Trying to sound concerned, he calls back upstairs, "Not really."

She yells back down, "How about now?"

251 - Bubba the Gator's Ear Ache

Bubba the Gator and his buddy are sitting in the waiting room of the Unemployment Office. Bubba‘s buddy notes that Bubba is rubbing his ear and so he says, "What’s the matter, Bub?"

Bubba replies, "It's my ear, it hurts."

His buddy asks, "Does it hurt on the inside or the outside?"

Bubba gets up, walks to the door of the Unemployment Office, opens the door, goes outside, and - after a few minutes - returns inside. He tells his buddy, "It hurts both inside and outside."

252 - Bubba Has Piles

Bubba the Gator goes to his Doctor and says "Doc, I think I’ve got piles."

Doc says, "“Drop your trousers/pants and lay face down on the couch. Mmm your right - I’ll write you out a prescription for some suppositories."

Next week Bubba returns to his Doctor and says, "Doc these piles are no better and the pain is killing me."

Doc says, "That’s strange - did you take the suppositories I gave you?"

Bubba says, “Yes Doc, but for all the good they did me, I might just as well have shoved them up my butt!"

253 - Bubba Has 24 Hours Left to Live

Bubba the Gator returned from a Shands Hospital visit one day and told his wife Bubbett that the doctor there said he only had 24 hours to live. Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.

Six hours later, Bubba went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?" Bubbett agreed and again they made love.

Later, Bubba was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left. He took some blue pills, touched Bubbett's shoulder, and said, "Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die."

She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.

Bubba, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours. More blue pills, and then he tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. "Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we . . . ?"

His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen Bubba, I have to get up in the morning! You don't."

254 - Gator Weddings and Gator Funerals

Q: What is the difference between a University of Florida wedding and a University of Florida funeral?
A: One less drunk Gator.

255 - Gators at the Livestock Judging

Bubba and his missus, Bubbette, went to the State Fair Lovestock Judging area. One of the first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls. They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said "THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR."

Bubbette playfully nudged Bubba in the ribs, smiled and said, "He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week."

They then walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, "THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR."

Bubbette gave Bubba a healthy jab and said, "Wow, that's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."

They continued to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said. "THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR."

Bubbette was so excited that her elbow nearly broke Bubba's ribs. She said, "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one."

To which Bubba turned to her and said, "Go over and ask if it was with the same cow."


Bubba's condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and he should eventually make a full recovery.

256 - Bubba Gets Rained Out

Saturday morning Bubba the Gator gets up early, quietly dresses, makes his lunch, and slips quietly into the garage. He hooks up his boat to his van and proceeds to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind is blowing 50 mph, so he pulls back into the garage, turns on the radio, and discovers that the weather will be bad all day.

Bubba goes back into the house, quietly undresses, and slips back into bed. He cuddles up to his wife's back; now with a different anticipation, and whispers, "The weather out there is terrible."

His loving wife of five years replies, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

257 - Bubba in the Parade

The circus comes to town and at the end of the parade is Bubba the Gator with a big shovel scooping up dung from the street muttering "#%$£#% elephants."

When someone suggests he find another job Bubba replies, "What, and give up show business?"

258 - Bubbette at the Library

Bubbette, the Lady Gator, goes into the local library, walks up to the librarian, and says, "I'll have a cheeseburger, French fries and a chocolate shake, please."

To which the librarian says, "I’m sorry lady, but this is a library."

Bubbette – now in a whisper – replies, "Oh. I'm sorry. I’ll have a cheeseburger, French fries and a chocolate shake, please."

259 - Bubba is Constipated

Bubba the Gator goes to the doctor complaining of severe constipation.

The doctor says "Take these pills and come back and see me in 2 weeks for a follow up."

Bubba comes back a few days later and the doctor says "I didn’t expect to see you again so soon. Is everything okay, are the pills working?"

And Bubba replies, "Oh they’re working alright. Every day at 6AM on the button I have a tremendous bowel movement. I honestly don’t think that I've ever seen anything work so well before."

And the doctor says, "Then I’m not sure I understand the need for this appointment."

And Bubba says, "I don’t get up 'til seven."

260 - Physics Problem

Given: A cliff 133 meters high overlooking the Atlantic Ocean, 2 degrees north of the Equator. The temperature is 50 degrees C. The Wind is from the NE at 4 knots.

Question: If you take a University of Florida linebacker, who weighs 210 pounds, and a University of Florida cornerback who weighs 190 pounds and drop them both off of this cliff at the same time, who will hit the water first?

Answer: Who Cares?

261 - Enraged Gator

Bubba the Gator comes home unexpectedly to find his wife in bed with his best friend. In a fit of rage he goes for his gun and puts it up to his temple, to the great amusement of his wife and her lover.

"Don't laugh!" Bubba shouts. "You're next!"

262 - Joining the Circus

The daughter of Bubba the Gator runs up to him and announces, "Dad, I'm eloping with my boyfriend and we're going to join his family in their high wire act at the circus."

Bubba disapproves. He growles, "If you fall off that thing and break your leg, don't come running home to me."

263 - The Only Cow

The only cow in a small, central-Florida town stopped giving milk. The people did some investigating and found that they could buy a cow for $600 from the University of Florida Agricultural Research Station that was less than 20 miles away.

They brought the cow from UF and the cow was wonderful.

It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were very happy.

They decided to rent the "services" of a stud bull to mate with the cow to produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They rented the bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.

The people were very upset and decided to ask their local Vet, who was very wise, what to do.

They told the Vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An attempt from the side, she walks away to the other side."

The Vet thought about this for a minute and asked,

"Did you by chance, buy this cow from the University of Florida?"

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned where they bought the cow. "You are truly a wise Vet,"

They said. "How did you know we got the cow from UF?"

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye,

"My wife is a UF alum."

264 - Bubbette Goes to Heaven

That makes the remaining two gals pretty cautious, but somehow the second friend from the West Coast also steps on a turtle. Out comes Saint Peter again, this time with a man even uglier than the first, if that's possible. He explains again that because the west coast friend has now stepped on a turtle she must spend eternity chained to this very, very, very ugly guy.

Now Gator Gal tries to be super careful. She manages to enjoy the wonders of heaven while avoiding stepping on any turtle. This goes on for a couple months when Saint Peter appears. With him is perhaps the greatest looking hunk of a guy any lucky lady could ever imagine. Saint Peter then proceeds to chain this ultra handsome guy to Bubbette and says that the two of them will be chained together for eternity.

Our Gator Gal is pretty happy with this arrangement. But she has to ask, "Why did Saint Peter chain you to me?"

Handsome Guy replies, "I really don’t know except that just a bit ago I was walking and accidentally stepped on a turtle."

265 - Bubba and His Buddies Learn About Sexual Activity

The article indicates that the frequency of sexual activity of senior males depends on their basic nationality.

It says that the United Nations Board of Health team has recently revealed that:

European and North American men between 60 and 80 years of age will, on average, have sex two or three times per week, whereas

Japanese men, and exactly the same age group, will have sex only once or twice per year . . . if they are lucky.

This was very upsetting the Bubba and all his Gator buddies, as none of them had any idea they were Japanese.

266 - Bubba and His Angus Bull

Bubba explained that he had recently used a large amount of his inherited cash to purchase a registered Black Angus bull.

The problem was that when Bubba put the bulI out with the herd, the bull just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. And Bubba was beginning to think he had paid more for that bull than he was worth.

Anyway ... Bubba told his buddies that he had asked a Vet come and take a look at the bull.

The Vet had said, "The bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young." The Vet then gave Bubba some pills to feed the bull once per day.

With the pills the bull started to service the cows within two days . . . all Bubba's cows!

The bull even broke through the fence and bred with all of Bubba's neighbor's cows! The bull was like a machine!

Bubba's buddies asked what was in the pills the Vet gave him.

Bubba said he didn’t know . . . but they kind of tasted like peppermint.

267 - Bubba's Blind Date

Bubba the Gator had a blind date, but before it he was worried about what to do if his date was really unattractive.

He had a Gator friend who told him not to worry: There's an App just for that situation. It's called, "Mom, are you okay?" And scheduled for your phone to ring just after you meet your date.

"If you like her, just ignore the phone. If you want to cut the short the date, answer with, 'Mom? What's the matter? Are you okay?'"

"Works every time – no worries."

So anyway Bubba knocked on the girl's door and it turns out that he did not need to do any worrying at all - his date was absolutely gorgeous and stunning.

But just as Bubba was about to speak to her, her phone rang. She answered it and said, "Mom? What's the matter? Are you okay?"

268 - Bubba's Barn Burns Down

After their barn burned down, Bubba's wife Sally May called their insurance agent to file a claim and demand the amount the barn was insured for, $60,000.

"Hold on just a second there, that's not the way it works. First, we’ll send out an adjuster to assess the damage, then we'll provide you with a replacement barn, just like the original," stated the agent.

After a lengthy pause, Sally replied, “What! Well, if that’s the way it works, cancel the life insurance on my husband immediately.”

269 - Bubba Buys a New Mercedes

Bubba the Gator hit it big! Somehow he came up with a $75,000 winning Lotto ticket.

This would pay off his home, get his wife's teeth fixed, provide bail money for his brother, buy shoes for his kids, and help pay off most of his gambling debts. What an opportunity!

Bubba bought a new Mercedes.

He found that he could drive the car during the day, but at night the car wouldn't move at all. He tried driving the car at night for a week with no luck. he was really mad and called the dealership and told them the problem. They sent a mechanic to the house.

The mechanic gave the car a thorough inspection and could not find anything wrong. Eventually, he asked Bubba, "Are you sure you're using the right gears?"

Bubba replied, "Of course I am. I'm not stupid. I use "D" during the day and "N" at night!"

270 - Bubba the IT Whiz

Bubba the Gator was visiting his buddy Festus at his home. He asked for the password to the Wi-Fi.

Festus said, "It's taped under the modem."

After three failed attempts to log on, Bubba asked, "Am I spelling this right? T-A-P-E-D-U-N-D-E-R-T-H-E-M-O-D-E-M?"

271 - Bubba the Forklift Operator

After being laid off from five different jobs in four months, Bubba the Gator was hired by a warehouse. The fourth day on the job he lost control of a forklift and drove it off the loading dock.

Surveying the damage, the owner shook his head and said he'd have to withhold 10 percent of Bubba's wages to pay for the repairs.

"How much are the damages?" asked Bubba.

"About $4,500," said the owner.

"What a relief!" exclaimed Bubba. "I've finally got job security!"

272 - Bubba Gets Marriage Counseling

After thirty years of marriage Bubba the Gator and wife Bubbette go for counseling.

When asked what the problem is, Bubbette goes into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on she goes: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable- an entire laundry list of unmet needs she has endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist gets up, walks around the desk, and after asking Bubbette to stand, he embraces and kisses her long and passionately as Bubba watches with a raised eyebrow.

Bubbette shuts up and quietly sits down as though in a daze.

The therapist turns to Bubba and says, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"

"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."

273 - Bubba the Gator Loses His Wife

His buddies at the unemployment office asked Bubba the Gator how he was doing following the passing of his wife, Bubbette.

Bubba then told his buddies his sad story. "Well, she needed a blood transfusion, and she needed it immediately; but her blood type was not on record, so the doctors asked me if I knew what it was, as they really needed to know in order to save my Bubbette's life."

"But I never knew her blood type, so I only had time to sit and say goodbye."

"I'll never forget how supportive my Bubbette was. Even as she was fading away, she kept on whispering to me, 'Be positive, be positive!' That was my Bubbette! Always thinking of others."

274 - Gator Gal Bubbette Loses Her Husband

The man behind the counter tells her it will cost $5 per word.

Bubbette thinks for a moment and says "Bubba's dead." She says "Okay... Bubba's dead; Buick for sale"

275 - Bubba Visits the Local Saloon

Bubba the Gator doesn't have gas money for his truck so he rides his donkey into town for his afternoon saloon visit. Today, the donkey will be wearing one of Bubba's prized possessions that he recently bought from the Hogtown Grain and School Supplies Company: An orange and blue saddle!

A few hours later Bubba staggers out of the saloon to find that the donkey's saddle has been re-painted garnet and gold.

He storms back into the bar screaming and cursing and promising a painful death to the man who did this. "Stand up you Cowardly Dog! I’ve got something to say to you!"

A huge mountain of a man with an FSU Alumni Club tee shirt stands up at the back of the saloon. He's 6' 6" and bursting with muscle. His response is soft but can be heard by Bubba and all others at the bar. "I painted your saddle . . . What have you got to say to me?"

Bubba: "The first coat's dry."

276 - Bubba Walks to and from His Bar

Bubba's observation: It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar, but a 45 minute walk from the bar to my house ...

Conclusion: The difference is staggering.

277 - Bubba's Will

With but hours to live, Bubba the Gator asks for two witnesses to be present and a camcorder in place to record his last wishes.

Soon his nurse, his wife, his daughter, and his son are with him.

When all is ready, Bubba says,

"My son, Bubba Junior, I want you to take the Ocean Reef houses.
"My daughter, Bubba Lou, you take the apartments between mile markers 100 and Tavernier.
"Bubbette, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the bay side on Blackwater Sound."

The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not know about his extensive holdings.

After Bubba passes, the nurse says, "Ms. Bubbette, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property."

Bubbette replies, "He had a paper route."

278 - Bubba's Last Ride on his Harley

While riding his Harley, Bubba swerves to avoid hitting a deer, losses control and lands in a ditch, severely banging his head. Dazed and confused he crawls out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulls up with a very beautiful woman who asks, "Are you okay?"

"I'm okay I think," Bubba replies as he pulls himself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.

She says, "Get in and I'll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head."

"That's nice of you," Bubba answers, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"

"Oh, come now, I'm a nurse," she insists. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."

Well, she is really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, Bubba agrees, but repeats, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."

Bubba and his "nurse" arrive at her place which is just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, Bubba thanks her and says, "I feel a lot better but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."

"Don't be silly!" she says with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"Still in the ditch with the Harley, I guess."

279 - Bubba Shows Who's Boss

Bubba is chatting with his Gator friends at the unemployment office. "My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair."

Bubba's friends are amazed that he finally found a girlfriend, and almost as amazed that he has seemingly already lost her.

While his friends are reflecting on this information, Bubba proudly continues: "Guess who came crawling back?"

280 - Bubba Gives Directions

Bubba the Gator's father passes away in his sleep. So in the morning, Bubba calls 911 to come pick up the body. The 911 operator tells him that she will send someone out right away.

"Where do you live?" asks the operator.

Bubba replies, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."

The operator asks, "Can you spell that for me?"

There is a long pause and finally Bubba says, "How 'bout if I drag him out to Oak Street and you pick him up there?"

280 - Bubba the Gambler

Bubba the Gator calls up his wife and says, "I want you to book a hotel room for us for a few nights."

His wife, Bubbette, says, "I'll bet you've been playing poker all day. How much did you win?"

Bubba replies, "Nothin'. I lost the house."

281 - Bubba Has Truck Problems

Bubba pushes his truck into a gas station.

He tells the mechanic it died.

After the mechanic works on it for a few minutes; it is idling smoothly.

Bubba says, "What's the story?"

The mechanic replies, "Just crap in the carburetor."

Bubba asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

282 - Bubba Seeks a College or University

Bubba, with a lot of help, finally graduates from high school at age 20.

Buoyed by this success, he now looks to a college or university to see what might be possible . . . something better than digging ditches like the rest of his buddies. Fortunately, there is a College Forum this coming Saturday where a number of colleges and universities will meet at the town Convention Center to meet prospective students.

So Saturday finds Bubba at the Convention Center and he makes his way to the Florida State University display area. Needless to say, Bubba is very impressed before even talking with anyone. But eventually he finds himself sitting across from a FSU Education Counselor. Bubba asks the counselor, "So how do you go about deciding if somebody is right for Florida State?"

The counselor says, "Oh, that’s easy. We fill a bathtub with water; tell the person to empty it; and offer him a bucket, a cup, or a spoon."

Bubba says, "Hey, I get it. Because a person right for FSU would choose the bucket so he can empty it the easiest and fastest."

The counselor — motioning one of his associates to step forward — says, "No, someone right for FSU would just pull the plug. My associate here will show you the way to the University of Florida table."

283 - Bubba the Gator Lodges Complaint

To the Manager of the Go-Gator Supermarket in Gainesville:

I was in your store yesterday and asked one of your supermarket workers where they kept the canned peaches.

He said, "I'll see," and walked away. He never came back.

When I saw another supermarket worker, I asked him.

He said, "I'll see," and walked away. He never came back either.

I expected better service and it makes me wonder if I should ever again come to your store to cash my unemployment check and do some shopping.

Angry and disappointed,

Bubba

p.s. I got tired of waiting and started looking up and down every aisle. I finally found them. They were in Aisle C.

284 - Bubbette Donates to Goodwill

Bubba the Gator and his wife Bubbette are watching television.

      Bubbette: I cleaned some clothes out of my closet, and tomorrow I'm going to take them to Goodwill.

      Bubba: That's added work. Why don't you just throw them away?

      Bubbette: I'm taking them to Goodwill because there's probably a starving family that could use them.

      Bubba: Anyone who could fit into your clothes isn't starving.

The report from UF Health Shands Hospital is that Bubba should recover from his head injuries and be released in three or four days.

285 - Bubba Wants a Wife

Bubba is 35 years old and still single. One day, a friend asks, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"

Bubba replies, "Actually, I've found a few women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."

His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution. Just find a girl who's just like your mother."

A few months later, they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?"

With a frown on his face, Bubba answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right; my mother liked her very much."

The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"

Bubba replied, "Now my father doesn't like her."

286 - Bubba Knows Women

Bubba the Gator is watching TV and says to his wife, "Look at this! Another beautiful actress is going to marry a baseball player who's a total dope! I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the hottest wives."

His wife says, "Thank you."

287 - Bubba's Best Friend

Bubba the Gator is sitting at the bar in his local Gainesville tavern, furiously imbibing shots of whiskey. One of his friends happens to come into the bar and sees him with at least 15 empty shot glasses on the table.

"Bubba," says the shocked friend, "What are you doing? I've known you for over fifteen years and I've seen you drink, but never like this. What's going on?"

Without even taking his eyes off his newly filled shot glass, Bubba replies, "My wife just ran off with my best friend."

He then throws back another shot of whisky in one gulp.

"But," says the other man, "I'm your best friend!"

Bubba turns to his friend, looks at him through bloodshot eyes, smiles, and then slurs,

"Not anymore! He is!"

288 - Bubba Goes Fishing

Bubba the Gator had another awful day fishing on the lake, sitting in the blazing sun all day without catching a single one

On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four catfish.

Bubba told the fish salesman, "Pick four large ones out and throw them at me, will you? This is so I can tell my wife that I caught them."

"Okay, but I suggest that you take the orange trout."

"Why's that?"

"Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if you came by, I should tell you to take orange trout. That's what she'd like for supper tonight."

289 - Bubba Needs Beer Money

Bubba the Gator needs beer money so he decides to get some by threatening a child's parents. He goes down to the schoolyard nearest to the university and grabs a random kid, and writes a note: I WORK IN UF ADMISSIONS. LEAVE $100 IN A BROWN PAPER BAG UNDER THE OAK TREE BEHIND THE SCHOOL OR YOUR CHILD WILL NEVER BE ADMITTED TO THE UNIVERSITY OF FLORIDA. He then pins it to the boy's shirt and sends him home.

The next day he goes out behind the school and sure enough, there's a brown paper bag under the oak tree. In it is $100 and a note: HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO A FELLOW GATOR?

290 - Bubba is Lonely

Bubba the Gator had a caring Mom. She lived in South Florida. Bubba would often call her . . . for money. During one of the calls he mentioned that he was lonely. Shortly thereafter, Bubba's Mom visited a pet shop in her neighborhood and told the owner that she needed a pet that would be "good company" for her lonely son.

"Have I got the pet for you!" exclaimed the owner, "It's a beautiful parrot that speaks five languages! He's so entertaining; your son will never be lonely."

"I'll take it!" said the Mom, as the owner assured her that he could have it safely shipped to Gainesville.

A week passed, and the Mom was eager to hear how her son was enjoying his gift. She called and - after pleasantries - asked if her surprise had arrived.

"Oh, yes, it arrived safely," he assured her.

"Well, how did you like it?" she asked.

"It was delicious!" he replied.

"Delicious!?! You ate that parrot? Bubba, that bird could speak five languages!"

Bubba replied, "Well, he should've said something."

291 - Bubba and His Ex-Wife at Custody Court

• Judge: "Why do you think you deserve custody of the child?"
  
• Ex wife: "I brought him into this world so I should have custody of him."
  
• Judge: "That is a simple yet good reason."

• Judge: "Why do you think you deserve custody of the child, sir?"
  
• Bubba thinks long and hard about his response, after a brief moment of silence, he replies, "If I put money into a Pepsi machine and a Pepsi comes out. Is it mine or the machines?"

292 - Yellowstone Camping

Ten years ago Bubba the Gator went camping at Yellowstone and his wife got pregnant.

Two years later Bubba went camping at Yellowstone and his wife got pregnant again.

After that when Bubba went camping at Yellowstone he took his wife with him.

293 - Bubba Has Terrible Headaches

Bubba the Gator has terrible headaches. He goes to numerous doctors seeking their advice, but no one can find the solution. He even sees renowned experts, but with no luck. Finally he finds a specialist right at UF Health Shands Hospital in Gainesville. After an examination, the doctor says to him, . . . continued here.

294 - Bubba Needs a Cell Phone

Bubba the Gator goes up to his father and says, "Pops, can I please get a cell phone?"

Bubba's father replies, "Sorry, son. You know the rules. You can't get a cell phone until you get your first job and can pay for it yourself."

"But that's not fair!” says Bubba. "All my friends got cell phones, and they didn't have to wait until they got their first jobs!"

Bubba's father replies, "Maybe so, but your friends aren't forty-two year old men who are still living with their parents!"

295 - Bubba and Bank Robber

Bubba the Gator and his wife are at their bank so Bubba can cash his unemployment check.

Suddenly, a man with a gun bursts into the bank and demands money from the teller. Once he is given this money, he turns to a customer and asks, "Did you see me rob this bank?"

The man replies, "Yes sir, I did."

The robber then shoots him in the temple, killing him instantly.

He then turns to Bubba and his wife, and asks Bubba, "Did you see me rob this bank?"

Bubba replies, "No sir, I didn't, but my wife did."

296 - Bubba Buys Stamps

Bubba the Gator goes to the Post Office to buy stamps for his Christmas Cards. "What denomination?" asks the clerk.

"Oh, man," says Bubba. "This is hard." But he shortly responds, "Well, give me 10 Catholic ones, 10 Baptist ones, and 10 Lutheran ones."

297 - Triplet Sons

The father was very rich and his triplet sons had come of age on this very day and he had decided to buy them each a business. He was a miserable old man who had loved luxury and had lived off the proceeds of a large business empire for many years.

"What do you want to do, son?" he asked the first son.

"I'd like a wind power factory. Lot's of money in that!" said the son.

"Good idea," said the father and phoned his financier to tell him to buy out General Electric.

"And you, my son?" he asked his second son.

"Dad, there's billions to be made in health care, nowadays," he replied.

"Good choice, you're right!" said the father and bought him Blue Cross.

"And what do you want?" he turned and asked his third son.

"Dad, you're going to laugh, but I've always wanted a Dopey outfit," said the youngest.

So his dad bought him four years at the University of Florida.

298 - The K9 Patrol

The Gainesville Police Department's canine (K-9) unit, was somewhat taken back by a recent incident.

Returning home from school Bubba the Gator was shocked to find his house ransacked and burgled. He telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.

The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels and a K9 unit patrolling nearby was the first on the scene.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash Bubba ran out onto the porch, clapped a hand to his head and moaned, "I come home from school to find all my possessions stolen; I call the police for help; and what do they do? They send a blind policeman!"

299 - Don't Eat the Watermelons

A retired University of Florida grad lived near Gainesville. Although this is a bit unusual, he had a watermelon patch that actually grew watermelons. However, upon inspection he discovers that some persons have been helping themselves to a feast. He reflects on his days at UF and suspects the culprits are Gators.

The UF grad thinks of ways to discourage this profit-eating situation. So he puts up a sign that reads: "WARNING! ONE OF THESE WATERMELONS CONTAINS CYANIDE!"

He smiled smugly as he watched Gators run off the next night without eating any of his melons.

The UF grad returns to the watermelon patch a week later to discover that none of the watermelons have been eaten, but finds another sign that reads: "NOW THERE ARE TWO!"

300 - Bubba Finds a Way to Make Perfect Coffee?

Bubba is all excited. He tells three of his buddies who are at the Unemployment Office waiting for their checks to come over to his house when they are done. He says he has a tasty surprise for them.

They arrive to find a beaming Bubba. He announces that he has a way to make the best ever early morning coffee and wants to try out the recipe with them.

His buddies are sceptical, but they agree. They wait in the living room while Bubba makes coffee in the kitchen. He soon brings out three cups of coffee and says that because they are his buddies, they'll get first taste.

They drink the worst cups of coffee in their lives. Moreover, in the bottom of each of their cups there are three of those little green army men. They ask Bubba what on earth he did to make such bad coffee and what are these three green men in the bottom of their cups.

Bubba scratches his and and replies, "I can't understand; on television, they say, 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!'"

301 - Bubba Driving

Bubba the Gator was stopped by the Gainesville police around 2AM and was asked where he was going at that time of night.

Bubba replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"

Bubba replies, "That would be my wife."

302 - The One-Way Trip to Mars

NASA was interviewing recent college graduates to be sent to Mars.

Only one could go; and this was a one-way mission: there would be no return to Earth.

The first applicant, a doctor, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going.

"A million dollars," he answered, "because I want to donate it for the advancement of medical research."

The next applicant, an engineer, was asked the same question.

He asked for $2 million. "I want to give a million to my family," he explained, "and leave the other million for M.I.T."

The last applicant was Bubba the Gator from UF. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear, "Three million dollars.'

"Why so much more than the others?" asked the interviewer.

Bubba replied, "If you give me $3 million, I'll give you $1 million, I'll keep $1 million, and we'll send the doctor to Mars."

303 - Bubba's Guardian Angel

Bubba the Gator is headed home after visiting the Unemployment Office. He is walking on the road and a voice shouts out, "Don't take a step further."

Bubba obeys and suddenly a ton of bricks fall on the place where he would have otherwise been.

He thinks he imagined it and keeps walking until suddenly the voice calls out again. "Don't take a step further."

Bubba stops and a car skids past, just missing him.

Then, suddenly, he hears the voice saying, "I am your Guardian Angel, and I will warn you before something bad happens to you. Now do you have any questions to ask me?"

"Yes!" shouts Bubba, "Where were you the day when my parents let me enroll at the University of Florida?"

304 - Bubba Needs a Cell Phone

Bubba the Gator meets his father who is coming home from work.

Bubba says, "Dad, can I please get a cell phone?"

Bubba's father replies, "Sorry, son. You know the rules. You can't get a cell phone until you get your first job and can pay for it yourself."

"But that's not fair!" says Bubba. "All my friends got cell phones, and they didn't have to wait until they got their first jobs!"

Father replies, "Maybe so, but your friends aren't forty-two year old men who are still living with their parents!"

305 - Goats at the Gators

A few Florida State University students visit the University of Florida. They had just bought three goats from a Gainesville farm store and now they let the three goats loose on the campus.

Before they let them go, they painted washable numbers on the sides of the goats. On the first goat they painted the number 1; on the second goat they painted the number 2; and on the third goat they painted the number 4.

UF school administrators spent most of the next three days looking for goat #3.

306 - Bubba Finds the Shampoo

Bubba the Gator is in the bathroom and his wife shouts, "Did you find the shampoo?"

He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do... it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine."

307 - Bubba's Wife is About to Have a Baby

Bubba the Gator shouts frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.

"No!" Bubba shouts, "this is her husband!"

308 - Christmas Could Come Early

A friend tells Bubba the Gator, "Christmas is on a Friday this year."

Bubba thinks and then replies, "Let's hope it's not on the 13th."

309 - Gators Find Grenades

Two University of Florida Gators find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station.

One asks, "What if one explodes before we get there?"

The other says, "We'll lie and say we only found two."

310 - UF School for the Gifted

311 - Bubba Fields a Solution to His Problem

Bubba the Gator and his wife were having problems being intimate. Every time Bubba was in the field working and got the urge, he headed back to his farm house. But the walk was usually a bit long and Bubba would become so tired he couldn't perform his manly duties.

So the couple decided to go see a doctor, and they told the doctor of their problem. The doctor thought for a moment and came up with an idea. He told Bubba to bring a shotgun with him to the field, and when he got the urge, to fire off the shotgun a couple of times. Then, when Bubba's wife would hear the gunshots, she could run out into the field and meet Bubba halfway.

One day Bubba had to go to town he ran into the doctor, and the doctor asked how everything was going.

Bubba replied that it was going great initially until hunting season came around, and that he hadn't seen his wife since.

312 - Bubba Gets a Fast Food Job

Bubba the Gator got a job at a fast food restaurant in Micanopy. (It was close enough to his parents' home in Gainesville so he could keep living with them.)

One day at the counter he was approached by a couple who said they were from Wisconsin. What they didn't say was that they had been arguing over how to pronounce the name of the town from when they saw its name on a highway sign until they stopped there for lunch.

So when they approached Bubba at the counter the wife said, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are ... very slowly?"

Bubba leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrr, gerrrrrr, Kiiiing."

Famous Last Gator Words

• Hey, watch this!
  
• I'll get a world record for this.
  
• Let me reach in and get your watch out of the printing press.
  
• It's fireproof.
  
• He's probably hibernating.
  
• I'm making a citizen's arrest.
  
• So, you're a cannibal.
  
• It's probably just a rash.
  
• Yeah, I made the deciding vote on the jury, so what of it?
  
• The odds of that happening have to be a million-to-one!
  
• Pull the pin and count to what?
  
• Which wire was I supposed to cut?
  
• I wonder where the mother bear is.
  
• I've seen this done on TV.
  
• These are the good kind of mushrooms.
  
• I'll hold it and you light the fuse.
  
• Funny, you look just like Charles Manson.
  
• Rat poison only kills rats.
  
• It can't possibly rain for forty days and nights.
  
• This doesn't taste right.
  
• I can make this light before it changes.
  
• Nice doggie.
  
• I can do that with my eyes closed.
  
• Well, we've made it this far.
  
• That's odd.
  
• Don't be so superstitious!

39 Politically Correct Ways to Say Someone is Stupid.

• A few clowns short of a circus.
• A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
• And experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
• A few beers short of a six-pack.
• Dumber than a box of hair.
• A few peas short of a casserole.
• Doesn’t have all his cornflakes in one box.
• The wheel’s spinning, but the hamster’s dead.
• One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.
• One taco short of a combination plate.
• A few feathers short of a whole duck.
• All foam, no beer.
• The cheese slid off his cracker.
• Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
• Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt.
• Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
• Couldn’t pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
• And intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
• As smart as bait.
• Chimney’s clogged.
• Doesn’t have all his dogs on one leash.
• Doesn’t know much but leads the league in nostril hair.
• Elevator doesn’t go all the way to the top floor.
• Forgot to pay his brain bill.
• Her sewing machine is out of thread.
• His antenna doesn’t pick up all the channels.
• His belt doesn’t go through all the loops.
• If he had another brain, it would be lonely.
• Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
• No grain in the silo.
• Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
• Receiver is off the hook.
• Several nuts short of a full pack.
• Skylight leaks a little.
• Slinky‘s kinked.
• Surfing in Nebraska.
• Too much yardage between the goalposts.
• In the pinball game of life, his flippers were a little further apart than most.
• University of Florida material!